those soft fleshy orbs where sperm are made

the flowers named after them

lip-like appendage with a pouch-like base

that resembles a swollen testicle… orchids

everyone has disabilities, no one has capacity in all areas

sometimes they are surprising, and there is shame

I practice remedial eating, breathing and eliminating

I have come to go beyond

my older daughter bought her wedding dress today

the younger one already married

it has a fitted bodice and full skirt

she wants pearls on her veil since the dress is simple

pearls on her shoes, veils that cast mystery, veils that hide

her veil will not cover her face

the sickness of confusion in my soul, the obstacles

I give to Grandfather’s Breath of Faith

the veils, the limitations, the thinking I had to deny my self

to hang onto the bliss and the pleasure

my father is depressed in their small retirement apartment

he watches TV or the big trucks on the interstate outside of his window

driving in one direction, driving in the other direction

he says this is no way to spend the last years of your life

he wants to get in his big silver pick up truck

and just get on that highway and drive up north

where there’s lots of space

and there are big statues of American heroes

that were blasted into the side of the mountain

there is nothing to do but love him

sacred sexual consorts in the Magdalene Way

including all aspects of the person,

man and woman and emotional body, interest in each other, personal

some denial, some veil, some obstacle

deep pleasure, deep desire, for more

my vision filled with what we are capable of together

needs spoken, more expression, more emotional vulnerability

I cut the roots, I bless, I offer

I watch the balloon of the image dissolve

the patterns, the habits, they mushroom out, I invite

then I see Truth, the underbelly

to try to understand the pattern on its own level sucks you in

to its confusion… come out, come out,

look at me, I look at you

we let it be personal, we let it be real

the seeing of each other

the loving each other, the intimacy

the swelling of emotion

the remembering of Wholeness

come out, come out

hidden desires, secret longings underneath

it is personal

it is the Bliss that strengthens the Ka, the Light Body

I feel betrayed by this, betrayed by my emotions,

betrayed by him, cutting and running,

denying depth and impact, denying sanctity

I open my Chalice, again and still, to the flow of Elixir

which I shared gladly with him, the feeling of his lips still upon me

how dare you?! I say,

to Yeshua and Magdalena, the Great Mother and the Angels of Mercy

if one is not acknowledged as a person, then they are an object

the one that I longed for. he wanted to please me

in the moments of physical union, but nothing personal

no energy or desire to get to know me in this way

he said nothing personal, and I agreed to it

though I continued to speak and continued to ask

he said nothing personal, but there was personal

sharing of deeply personal things

he said nothing personal, yet he was conflicted about so many things

veil of denial from my own wounding

I could not believe that we could share bodies and breath

be so magnetized to each other

and he could still keep me in certain boxes inside himself

or keep me in certain boxes over here

but apparently he could