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The longer I live with Nessie, the more I realize how tempting it is to search for one explanation for who she is.

She’s a rescue.
She’s anxious.
She’s fearful.
She may not have been well socialized.
She’s a Pointer-Lab mix.

Some of those things may be relevant. But none of them, on their own, explain the whole dog.

In this Shy Dog Diary Entry, I’m reflecting on what completing my Family Dog Mediator (FDM) certification taught me about looking at Nessie with more curiosity and fewer assumptions.

One of the central ideas in Kim Brophey’s Family Dog Mediation approach is the L.E.G.S.® model — Learning, Environment, Genetics, and Self. Rather than asking me to find a single cause for behavior, it encourages me to consider all the different pieces that may be shaping the dog in front of me.

I look at Nessie through each of those lenses: her gun dog heritage and her extraordinary awareness of her surroundings, the parts of her early environment I know and the many parts I never will, everything she has learned during our years together, and the qualities that simply belong to Nessie as an individual.

I also share some recent progress from her diary, including rebuilding her confidence around separation, leaving her with friends for the first time in nearly two years, visiting a new home, and meeting a new dog through a carefully planned parallel walk that turned into an hour of joyful backyard play.

What I keep coming back to is that explanations can be helpful, but explanations can also become labels.

And I never want the label to become bigger than the dog.

My goal has never been to turn Nessie into a different version of herself. It’s to understand her well enough that we can build a life that works for both of us.

If you share your life with a shy, fearful, anxious, or sensitive dog, I hope this episode encourages you to stay curious about the whole dog — even when there isn’t one neat explanation for why they experience the world the way they do.

Connect with Shy Dog Diaries

Instagram: @shydogdiaries
Email: pod@shydogdiaries.com

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What happens when loving dogs also comes with guilt, grief, worry, and the constant feeling that you should be doing more?

In this episode of Shy Dog Diaries, I sit down with Jill Gray, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified thanatologist, and grief counselor—and someone who has been an important part of my own journey.

Jill supported me through the loss of my dogs Dublin and Wicklow, who died just three weeks apart, and then through the very different emotional challenges that came with bringing Nessie into my life soon afterward.

Together, we talk about the complicated emotions that can come with loving and caring for dogs: the guilt of wondering whether we're doing enough, the grief that can begin long before a loss, the responsibility of making decisions for animals who can't tell us exactly what they want, and the struggle to balance their needs with our own.

We also talk about the kinds of grief that aren't always recognized by others, the guilt that can come with learning more and looking back at what we wish we'd done differently, and what it means to live with uncertainty when there simply isn't a perfect answer.

One idea stayed with me throughout this conversation: caring for myself doesn't mean I care less about my dog.

And sometimes, instead of trying to solve everything about tomorrow, I can simply ask: What can I do today?

In this episode, we explore:

• Why caregiver guilt can become so relentless
• The feeling that you should always be doing more for your dog
• Cumulative grief and the emotional weight of pet loss
• Balancing your dog's needs with your own
• Why self-care is part of responsible caregiving
• Grieving the life you imagined having with your dog
• Learning to live with uncertainty
• Knowing when outside emotional support may help

About Jill Gray

Jill Gray is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Certified Thanatologist, and grief counselor in private practice. She specializes in supporting teens and adults navigating cancer, chronic illness, grief, caregiving, and the emotional realities of death and dying. With more than a decade of experience, Jill is known for her warm, direct, and compassionate approach, helping clients process life's most difficult experiences with honesty, resilience, and meaning. She provides virtual therapy to clients in California, Florida, North Carolina, and Arizona.

Connect with Jill

Website: https://westcoastcounseling.co
Email: jill@jillgraylmft.com

Support Resources

• Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement: https://www.aplb.org/
• Lap of Love, including its Quality of Life resources: https://www.lapoflove.com/

Content Note: This episode includes discussion of grief, pet loss, euthanasia, and a brief reference to suicide.

Shy Dog Diaries is for education and entertainment only. It is not a substitute for working with your own trainer, behaviorist, veterinarian, or mental health professional.

Connect with Shy Dog Diaries

Instagram: @shydogdiaries
Email: pod@shydogdiaries.com