Zelensky shows up at the White House in a suit, Europe in tow, Trump grinning like a kid eyeing a Happy Meal Nobel. Hours earlier, 14 civilians dead in Ukraine—rockets meet roses, rubble meets reality. Wages still drowning, CEOs toast from yachts. Newsmax pays $67M for lies, Epstein’s death still under Barr’s CSI spotlight, and Hurricane Erin redecorates Puerto Rico. Republicans flee, files in tow, shame waiting.

That’s all the news that’s fit to confuse. Another day in the American madhouse, keep your seatbelt fastened. Theo Jesterfield reporting.

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The Vice President Vladimir Futon tried to book a table at a cozy Michelin-rated English pub — staff basically said, “Sure, if you want us to not show up for work.” Locals put up “Fascists Not Welcome” signs, making it clear he’s about as popular there as French soccer. Kamala? No problem. Vance? Road closures and rage.

That’s all the news that’s fit to confuse. Another day in the American madhouse, keep your seatbelt fastened. For Nightly News Roundup, I’m Theo Jesterfield.

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Trump’s got Scrooge McDuck money privileges, Putin got a ceasefire threat that might just be a meme, and the Treasury Secretary’s still clinging to his stocks like a bad Tinder match. Congress is cosplaying as the Epstein Truth Squad, the VA is bleeding staff, Kristi Noem is beefing with South Park, Ivanka’s booking UFC on the White House lawn, and Detroit seniors are solving love triangles with live ammo.

Theo Jesterfield here, wading through cash vaults, cage fights, and bingo shootouts - all in a day’s work for America’s slow, stupid descent.

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Tonight: Russia’s hacking America’s sealed court files while Trump preps for a Putin cuddle; Trump’s new BLS pick wants to kill the monthly jobs report; Florida’s schools turned into DeSantis’ propaganda playground; and Trump’s State Department wipes two-thirds of human rights abuses from its reports. Plus, ICE agents in masks are making it easier for rapists to impersonate them. I’m Theo Jesterfield, reporting from the bunker with enough vodka to kill half of Moscow.

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Trump ghosted labor unions at the VA while RFK Jr. lit pandemic funding on fire because his third eye said “no thanks.” Utah legalized “oops-my-nephew’s-a-predator” justice, and Trump thinks world peace means locking Zelensky and Putin in a room like it’s the WWE. An Army base imploded, Trump threw a trade tantrum at India, and Florida’s building immigrant jails in the middle of the Everglades like Mother Nature ain’t got lawyers.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the swamp—literal and political.

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Congress is jerking off to the Epstein files, New York just got defunded on terror protection, and California’s drawing maps with the subtlety of a prison riot. The FDA says “good luck not dying” while outsourcing food safety to states running on bake sale budgets. Trump’s resurrecting racist statues and calling it beautification, wildfires are roasting the continent like a cheap brisket, and a Nebraska town hall just turned into a mosh pit over Medicaid cuts.

Theo Jesterfield here, coughing through the smoke, dodging subpoenas, and watching democracy collapse under PowerPoint slides and Confederate cosplay.

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Russia’s waving nukes around again, Trump wants $15K per tourist, and Sean Duffy is strapping a nuclear reactor to the moon. Texas Republicans are hunting Democrats across state lines like cartoon bounty hunters. Pam Bondi's resurrecting the Mueller probe with all the precision of a chainsaw in a dollhouse. Trump’s tax cuts just lit the deficit on fire, a dildo flew across a WNBA court, and Bristol Motor Speedway served 91,000 baseball fans no food and even less beer.

Theo Jesterfield reporting from the scene—where the missiles are back, the food is gone, and democracy is duct-taped to a folding chair.

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