This week on the porch we're smoking Cap Junkie by Garden Greens — an evenly balanced hybrid that hits fast, hard, and somewhere between the eyes — and we have a very special guest. Grandma Deb is back, and she brought sour straws, a blanket, and absolutely no filter.

But before she makes her entrance, Amanda has stories. Her mom spent approximately one hour at a softball game and somehow found time to comment on the missing earrings, the bra, the bra strap, and the anniversary gnome that is still in the trunk of the car because once you see it you will understand why it hasn't made it to the yard yet. All of this happened in rapid succession. All of it was delivered as helpful information.

Then Deb arrives, gets womped, announces she needs to go to 7-Eleven for the great Slurpee of her life, can't stand up, declares she drove home with liquor she didn't know was liquor, and somehow ends the night discussing whether Herschel the dog is spiritually available to join a cruise. She also confirms she had a third breast removed — casually, mid-candy — and moves on without missing a beat.

Also: Jax has a new favorite song, the black hole house has green plants in the window which raises more questions than it answers, Harper has a backyard neighbor she never mentioned, and the Cap Junkie had everyone on the floor before 10pm.

Moms always find something to say. We have proof.

Pull up a chair. 🌿

This week on the porch, Hailey's husband has her on a timer, the kids are orbiting like satellites, and we have exactly 30 minutes before someone turns into a pumpkin.

We open with the Canadian wildfire smoke settling over New Jersey and the skunk situation — Hailey's stash had been sitting at Amanda's overnight, shifted during cleaning, and at 8am Amanda genuinely thought an actual skunk had woken up furious and sprayed the entire house. It was the stash. The kids didn't mention it.

We went a little viral this week — a lot viral, actually — for the parasitic diarrhea post (find us on the 'gram at momsontheporch!).

Then: Amanda's dad finding out she smokes weed via her then-boyfriend-now husband at a bar mitzvah. The toddler who fell asleep mid-tantrum, woke up at midnight, and picked up exactly where he left off because he still wanted Daddy's phone. Hailey's claustrophobia rears its head when the Canadian smoke blocked out the entire sky on her 5:30am walk. And Amanda's great New York City bike incident that includes wearing a dress on a bike and riding through a Pride demonstration, and Hailey's bike incident with a missed brake, and a full dismount into someone's front yard — apparently it's not just "like riding a bike."

Also: the kids crash porch night looking for fireflies, the bridge gets a microchip entry system, and we wrapped right on time.

Pull up a chair. 🌿

This week on the porch we're smoking Untitled Ice Cream Cake — an indica that promised to have us falling deeper and deeper into a couch-locked state of sedation, and delivered on every word. We read the description out loud and still said yes. We have no regrets.

We open on the week from hell: a birthday party that turned into a family confrontation in front of the entire yard, a freshly high Amanda standing her ground while her knees buckled, and a dad who scaled a garage wall with pots and pans and was having the time of his life doing it. Also: someone walked into that party with such an attitude that the dog immediately bit at her ankles. Otto knew.

Then things get lighter. Hailey takes Jax to the beach, carries him half a mile through sand that felt like lava, and arrives at the full realization that the beach with a toddler is not a vacation, it's a sport. Jax hears Missy Elliott for the first time and announces it's his favorite song. And five-year-old Ava, trying to be the most helpful child in the world, brings Hailey a can of Nowadays THC cocktail instead of a Diet Dr. Pepper because she thought it was Mommy's soda too.

She wasn't wrong. Just early.

Pull up a chair. 🍃