This week on the porch we're smoking Cap Junkie by Garden Greens — an evenly balanced hybrid that hits fast, hard, and somewhere between the eyes — and we have a very special guest. Grandma Deb is back, and she brought sour straws, a blanket, and absolutely no filter.

But before she makes her entrance, Amanda has stories. Her mom spent approximately one hour at a softball game and somehow found time to comment on the missing earrings, the bra, the bra strap, and the anniversary gnome that is still in the trunk of the car because once you see it you will understand why it hasn't made it to the yard yet. All of this happened in rapid succession. All of it was delivered as helpful information.

Then Deb arrives, gets womped, announces she needs to go to 7-Eleven for the great Slurpee of her life, can't stand up, declares she drove home with liquor she didn't know was liquor, and somehow ends the night discussing whether Herschel the dog is spiritually available to join a cruise. She also confirms she had a third breast removed — casually, mid-candy — and moves on without missing a beat.

Also: Jax has a new favorite song, the black hole house has green plants in the window which raises more questions than it answers, Harper has a backyard neighbor she never mentioned, and the Cap Junkie had everyone on the floor before 10pm.

Moms always find something to say. We have proof.

Pull up a chair. 🌿