If you've been unfaithful to your partner, you're probably drowning in one question: "Why did I do this?" And if you're the betrayed partner, you desperately need to understand: "How could they do this to me?"

In this episode, I'm talking directly to people who've cheated—though I want betrayed partners to listen too. Because understanding what drives infidelity isn't about excuses. It's about getting to the truth of what's really happening beneath the surface.

After decades of working with people on both sides of betrayal, I've learned something that might surprise you: The person who cheats isn't broken or fundamentally bad. But they are deeply disconnected—from themselves, from their partner, and from the values they thought they held.

I'm breaking down five critical questions every person who's been unfaithful needs to answer:

1. Why did I do this, especially more than once? I explain how infidelity often begins in childhood (yes, really) and how we learn to regulate emotional energy in ways that eventually sabotage our relationships. You'll hear about the "never enough" part—that wounded younger self that operates separately from your conscious values.

2. Am I broken, addicted, or just selfish? Let's get real about these labels. I walk through what each one actually means and why the real issue is disconnection, not moral failure.

3. Was I trying to escape something in myself or the relationship? The honest answer is usually yes. I talk about how people use infidelity to escape pain—whether it's inadequacy in other life areas or the discomfort of being fully present in a relationship.

4. How do I stop this pattern? This is where we get into the real work. I share why trying to bury the part of you that cheated makes things worse, not better. You'll learn about the two-step process: awareness of your parts and processing the underlying pain through approaches like EMDR trauma treatment.

5. Do I even deserve to be forgiven? I separate this into two questions: Can your partner forgive you, and can you forgive yourself? The answers are different, and both require you to do the work first.

What Makes This Episode Different:

I'm not here to shame anyone or offer simple answers. Infidelity is complex. The reasons people cheat are rooted in unprocessed emotional wounds, learned patterns of self-regulation, and disconnection from pa

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• ...

In today's episode, I'm diving deep into one of the most important questions I get: when there's been a discovery of infidelity, when do we need therapy? What kind of therapy? What makes sense?

I'll be blunt with you - I think you always need therapy after infidelity. Here's why: it's so painful that emotions completely take over. Friends or family may not always be the right people to go to during these times because they have their own feelings. When you're in that stress mode, in that survival mode, you really can't see what's really going on underneath it all.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why we need to understand what's going on inside - that's where the real issues are
• The truth about people who cheat (spoiler: they're not bad people, but they are hurt people)
• Why someone might not know how to communicate their problems in a relationship
• What the betrayed partner really needs from therapy
• The kind of therapist you should look for (and the question most people never think to ask)
• Why therapy needs to work on both past wounds AND present skills
• What real success looks like in infidelity recovery

I share insights from my "Healing Infidelity From the Inside Out" approach and explain why it's not as simple as "people that cheat are bad people." They're people who have had a lack of resources in how to regulate their emotions or communicate well.

For example, if someone never saw their parents communicate about problems, how are they supposed to know how to say "I'm unhappy with the way our marriage is going, let's work on it"? Their healthy choices are limited.

I also talk about my own 41-year marriage and how even I have more options now for dealing with conflict than I did before I worked on my own wounds and core issues.

Key takeaways:

• A skilled therapist won't put simplistic ideas on complex problems
• You want someone who has worked on themselves and gone through some things
• The best therapy goes deeper and works with trauma (because it's almost always part of the problem)
• Success isn't just that the person doesn't cheat anymore - you want to become better than you were

Whether you're the betrayed partner needing support and empathy, or the person who betrayed needing to develop better options, this episode will help you understand what to look for in effective ther

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• ...

One of the most common questions I get from betrayed partners: "Todd, do I need to separate from my partner to get clarity? Do I need to separate to have self-dignity?" And I completely understand why people ask this.

When you discover infidelity, your nervous system goes into shock. You can't think straight. You're so agitated by your partner's presence that all you want to do is cry or hit or scream. And here's what I know for sure: you cannot go back to business as usual like nothing happened. That would be betraying yourself.

In this episode, I talk about the different types of separation that can help you heal - physical, emotional, and sexual - and why most couples I work with don't physically separate but still need space in some form.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why going back to "business as usual" is actually betraying yourself

• How infidelity shocks your nervous system and why you need to calm down first •

The difference between physical, emotional, and sexual separation

• Why most couples don't physically separate but still heal successfully

• How to set clear rules if you do decide to separate temporarily

• The hyper-attachment and hypersexual response that some people have after betrayal

• Why you might need to stop having sex while you heal

• How to be your own person instead of acting out of fear of losing them

• What healthy separation looks like versus just avoiding your feelings

I share stories from my practice about people who needed different types of space - some went to stay with supportive family, others created emotional boundaries while staying in the same house. The goal is always self-regulation so you can get clarity about what's right for you.

And here's something important: if your partner can't handle you taking space to heal - if they threaten to go back to the affair partner because you're not making things nice for them - bye-bye to that person. A truly remorseful partner will support your need to regulate your nervous system.

My "Healing Infidelity From the Inside Out" approach isn't about quick fixes. It's about growing through the crisis so you have more options, more maturity, and become healthier individuals.

💜 Healing From The Inside Out: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity-inside-program
💜 Infidelity First Aid Kit: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/infi

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
• ...