OH. MY. GUTTER-GLORIOUS. CHAOS. This episode of Traffic School was an all-you-can-eat buffet of unhinged brilliance, birthday belligerence, and buck-wild banter that spiraled gloriously out of control like a bald tire on a buttered racetrack. We started in pitch darkness—literal and metaphorical—as Lieutenant Crain stumbled into the studio like a bat fleeing daylight, only to be bombarded by mini-bike legal advice, blacked-out alpaca assaults, and a 15-year-old caller getting life lessons on girls and motorcycles in the same breath.

Isaac, bless his handlebars, kicked off a cascade of increasingly absurd questions, including someone trying to smuggle an unlicensed truck past troopers using Waze as a criminal GPS, and Thaddeus—the $255.50 outlaw—who’s building a rap sheet out in the boonies while dodging his 30K in child support like it’s dodgeball at a family reunion. There was also an alpaca sneeze victim, a Pinto-powered feud with Crazy Carl, and traffic circle training that turned into a demolition derby proposal.

And just when it couldn’t possibly get weirder, we slid into a philosophical meltdown about anatomically correct truck nuts, alien boobs, and why daylight saving time might be the root of all evil. If sanity was ever on this show, it got pulled over and ticketed three times before getting stomped out by an angry deer in a headlock. Happy birthday, Viktor—may your cake be frosted with madness and topped with high-octane insanity.

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