when I was a little girl, before I had any understanding that most of us never do exactly what we say we want to do, my dad told me if he ever had the chance he would 100% go to the moon. I was absolutely horrified. But even in my panic, even in my steadfast objection- I remember his eyes.

The following is my experience over the last 3 months in losing my pregnancy. I’ve repeatedly been told how common it is to have this happen- and yet again, I find myself in a “common” place with such a minimal amount of context for it. Grasping for hands to hold in this hushed common ground has been critical, I hope my voice becomes a hand you’ll never need to hold.

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What happens when we start respecting ALL parts of ourselves- like the exact constellation we are meant to be? What happens when we stop operating from a place of insufficiency or subconscious shame and start living our lives according to our own design? Join the conversation with human design guide & business mentor Sylvia Bbela substack for this episode: https://biancaleamorra.substack.com/ More from Sylvia Bbela : https://www.instagram.com/sylbbela.co/ All things Sylvia here

Is it because they are saying something I wish I could? Is it because it makes me feel something I can’t muster up for myself? Is it because I’m looking for permission to feel something I haven’t even let myself acknowledge? Why do I watch the same shows over and over and over again?

Is it because I want to feel comforted and familiar without having to actually participate? Is it because I feel braced for what I know occurs and I don’t have to feel it fresh and hard? Is it because I won’t allow space for something I don’t already know?

If I read about writing instead of actually writing, I can feel like I’m in that world without actually having to be in the work of it. If I read about others thoughts on philosophy and life, I can breathe the sigh of relief that I’m not as alien as I thought and lessen the compulsion to have to articulate myself.

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 Every Christmas I'm left with the strange remorse of not having achieved this elusive feeling I yearn for. Surely I'm missing it by looking for it, but I cannot help it. It's all I've ever known. This perpetual homesickness for a feeling I've never felt . I grasp for moments like chasing bubbles. Only for it to vanish in the moment of contact… Subscribe to free visual/written podcast episodes delivered to your inbox HERE.

Photography has betrayed me. It’s given me an out under the facade of going in. It’s become an emotional to do list too long to ever conquer. Just as I brain dump my ideas and to do tasks onto a paper in an effort for relief and fake accountability, I take pictures when I’m seeing something that feels too much, thinking- I’ll feel this later. My friend asked me the other day in response to my photographic frustration- “can’t that moment be enough? The thisness of that moment and why you photographed it?”- can’t it be whole on it’s own without feeling like there’s a further emotional processing that needs to happen? It was such a wonderful question that felt like buoyant possibility. And I immediately felt the answer I didn't want...nope. Today I ask you one of the most important questions anyone can be asked in life- the same question that revealed my sophisticated subconscious self sabotage that made me consider putting the camera down for a while. Subscribe to free visual/written podcast episodes delivered to your inbox HERE.