Is fear keeping your life small? Learn the difference between good and bad fear, how to stop spiralling, and why irreversible decisions make you happier.

Key takeaways

1. Good fear versus bad fear: short-term stress can improve performance. Fear, anxiety and excitement use similar brain circuitry and feel similar in the body. So you can reframe nerves as excitement, or burn off anxious energy with quick exercise. Fear becomes harmful when it’s chronic and stops you from acting.
2. Fears grow bigger because the brain rewrites memories each time you recall them. Each time you revisit a fear, you add emotion and context to the memory. Big life changes, like becoming a parent, can also make old fears feel bigger.
3. Name the fear to stop the spiral. Spiralling happens when anxious thoughts keep pulling in similar thoughts. Naming the feeling, ideally out loud, pinpointing its cause and offering yourself a more neutral counter-thought brings your prefrontal cortex back online.
4. Fear of being alone, disappointing your parents or being judged often keeps you stuck. Learning to enjoy your own company makes you less controlling in relationships. Your parents’ disappointment is often about the story they imagined for you, not about you. People will talk when you change, but they’ll move on quickly.
5. Irreversible decisions often make people happier. In the study I describe, people who couldn’t change their choice of photo print were more satisfied than those who could swap. Committing helps you go all in. Useful anchors include a non-refundable flight or a paid deposit.

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