He is a genius who makes decisive action.

There is no way on just some fluke that this man can fly off the handle with no purpose. Human, sure— and famous, yes— but in what world does this just happen.

It seemed a cry for help.

I was upset, but I didn't know why.

I am upset.

I stayed throughout the day deep cleaning and heavy thinking. I thought Joel was sober— but before long, this shock sent me into a panic of deep chaos. Was my son okay? Was his father drinking again. I wasn't thinning clearly or on any level really, besides just upset.

I scrubbed everything from the walls to the baseboards, every reach of every corner, every windowsill… still upset.

I sent out texts checking on my boy. It had been months since I had spoken with him— and because I had chosen to dissapear, things were somewhat calm. For once, the world hadn't always felt like something was trying to kill me; maybe his father already thought I was dead. The longer I laid low, the better things got; I couldn't let myself cry over Joel— but I could cry over that, right?

I needed to cry about that, apparently. I missed my son. Something needed to be done. I needed a job. But reentering the workforce at entry level? No amount of things I could do in New York City ever seemed enough, and as far as actual deadmau5 was concerned, my music was just not adding up. I was not on par.

But what the fuck was going on!!

Perhaps I had just been Google alerted to my doom in just the way I was supposed to have gone in the weeks before in the wake of things. But instead this hurt in a way that was not supposed to feel the way it did. Deadmau5 was my friend, and so Joel was something attached to it. Perhaps it had just been dragged out of proportion. Perhaps it had just been publicity. Was there another album. I separated the deadmau5 from the Joel momentarily— typically he was precise and in control. Drunk and stumbling around at Coachella wasn't his forte.

Joel Zimmerman was a top-notch, class act. Period. There wasn't much to do or say about deadmau5 besides that it was my next to near favorite thing— as a DJ— which made Joel one of my next to near favorite people. Without looking too closely, I began to wonder whether just having a good time could have been made to look like something else, however— last I understood, Joel was comfortable in his sobriety. 'Jesus Christ,' then. ‘What happened!‘

Tales of a Superstar DJ.

Let me mask that pain

Let me watch and feed you

Let me die again

Let me let you live a little

Let me lie let me lie

Let me— lie inside you

Let me be your flame

Let me— walk behind you

Let me die, die, die

Let me— rot in chorus

Watch me lie lie lie

Watch me harpsichord (this)

I'm in so much pain

Pick me up,

And throw me overboard

I shooted you a solution for your

Writer's block on the plaza

Watch me talk talk talk

Now let me lie a little

Watch me cry cry cry

Now let me die a little

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C'cxell Soleïl