Old Chile introduces us to Roy—the flashiest, fiercest, most unforgettable character to ever disco-dance into danger. From silk shirts and diamond-studded Rolexes to wartime poker rings and after-hours shootouts, Roy wasn’t just a man—he was a walking firecracker in gator loafers. In this explosive tale (literally), Chile recounts how a would-be robbery turned into a foot-blasting lesson from one bad old man who was not in the mood. Brace yourself—this one’s loud, legendary, and 100% Roy.

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Old Chile takes you on a “high-stakes” investigation straight out of a gumbo-flavored detective novel—minus the professionalism. It’s 1974, and a routine child custody surveillance turns into a beer-soaked stakeout, complete with pork rinds, pizza, and near arrest. When four armed men surround the car in the dead of night, Chile braces for the end—until one of them turns out to be a frat brother with a badge. It’s part Magnum P.I., part Dumb and Dumber, and all classic Chile.

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Old Chile stirs up a Texas-sized tale of friendship, faith, and 75 gallons of gumbo gone rogue. When the local Episcopal minister ropes him and the McKinney police chief into cooking for a church fundraiser, things quickly go off-recipe—no silverware, no idea how to use the soup kettles, and a final gumbo spill that sends the neighborhood pets into a Cajun frenzy. It’s a story of community, chaos, and just enough roux to raise $10K (and a few eyebrows). Bring your appetite—this one’s loaded.

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Old Chile lifts the curtain on one of life’s more delicate adventures: his very own vasectomy, or as he calls it—The Gelding. With plenty of pre-op “research” (read: beers and bad advice), a homegrown shave job, and enough one-liners to keep the surgical staff blushing, Chile turns a nerve-wracking rite of passage into a comedy of errors. From pink Easter egg jokes to post-op lightning bolts, this is a tale of bravery, humility, and exactly two too many cocktails. Buckle up—it’s a cut above the rest.

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Old Chile brings the party—and a handful of .22 bullets—to a not-so-peaceful sixth birthday bash. With tap shoes for Lucy, a bullhorn for Brian, and four shiny cartridges tucked under his tongue, Chile manages to dodge Simon Says, fake-swallow live ammo, and send a roomful of moms into a frenzy. A call to Goose Creek Hospital, a dramatic drive, and a very smug confession later… let’s just say no one blew out more candles than Chile did that day.

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Old Chile takes us back to one fateful Thursday night filled with Groucho Marx, choir practice, and a surprise trip to the emergency bathroom. While Mom and Dad sang hymns, Chile stayed home with his TV-loving grandmother and a junk drawer full of temptation. One pen knife, one overstuffed chair, and one nose later… well, let’s just say Groucho wasn’t the only one delivering sharp punchlines. A bloody mess, a swift handoff, and a closet full of secrets—this one cuts deep (literally).

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Old Chile takes us back to a simpler time—when jukeboxes bubbled, fries came with tartar sauce, and Grandpa’s pants were always one beer away from disaster. In this tale of burgers, backfires, and bare-bottomed blunders, Chile recounts a fateful lunch at the Rebel Inn with Daddy Max—a Studebaker-driving, camel-smoking character with a love for Pearl beer and zero regard for belts. It’s heartwarming, hilarious, and just a little mortifying. Bottoms up.

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Old Chile takes us on a two-wheeled journey straight into the heart of boyhood curiosity, forbidden staircases, and one unforgettable delivery run. It’s 1956 in Goose Creek, Texas, and when Chile and his buddy “Hairs” get tasked with bringing mystery bags to the infamous Roxie’s, they think they’ve hit the adventure jackpot. What they find upstairs? Red lamps, sheer tops, and life lessons they definitely weren’t ready for. Puberty never stood a chance.

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