Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Why is he doing this?”

You replay the argument. Question what you said.

Apologise when you’re not even sure what you’ve done wrong.

You explain away the silence, the accusations, the sudden shifts in mood.

He was stressed. He had a bad day. I could have said it differently.

But what happens when you stop looking at each moment on its own — and start looking at the pattern?

In this week’s episode of Beyond Survival, I’m joined by Lundy Bancroft, who has spent more than 30 years working with abusive men and their families and is the author of 'Why Does He Do That? - Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men'

Lundy describes an abusive man as operating a little like a magician. The trick isn’t necessarily what he’s doing — it’s where he gets you to look.

While you’re focused on his feelings, his anger, his wounds and what you might have done to cause them, you can lose sight of what’s actually happening.

This conversation is about stepping back from the confusion of individual moments and noticing what happens when you look at them together.

Because sometimes, the things that are hardest to see are the things we’ve been living with for so long that they simply feel normal.

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