Even after a lot of self-inquiry, growth, and expansion, a small mistake can still drop me straight into my own ass.

That’s what this episode is about.

I was doing a delivery. The guy had two little kids, both excited. I missed a two-liter of Starry on the order. In the moment I felt like I had just fucked up their lunch because I wasn’t attentive enough. I told him I’d come back with a cold one, but the self-attack was already deep. That same energy spilled out and I snapped at Sharon. Then came the guilt for speaking to her that way.

I’ve done enough internal work that I sometimes think I’ve got a reliable process now. Then something ordinary happens and all that awareness gets kicked aside. Nobody gets in my ass more precisely or effectively than I do. Trying to argue with it or shut it down is like throwing water on an oil fire.

It doesn’t work.

Sharon had her own version of this a couple days earlier after a doctor’s appointment—second-guessing herself for not saying no.

Same pattern, different details.

What I’m learning, at least for myself, is that the attack has to ride itself out. Afterward I try to meet it with some patience and kindness instead of more debate. That doesn’t excuse the behavior. It just treats the whole thing as information.

We weren’t usually taught how to give ourselves that kind of compassion in our formative years.

I’m still figuring out what it looks like in real time.