Twenty years ago I read a book called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I can't remember a single word that was in it — just the title. And it turns out the title was the whole book.

This episode is about fear. Not lions and heights — the quiet stuff that actually runs our lives. The fear of failing. The fear of what people think. And the fear of a future that hasn't happened and, it turns out, almost never does.

Recently something shifted for me, and it came in two parts. Part one: I finally got a hold on not caring what people think, and it felt brilliant. Part two — the honest bit nobody admits — I realised I do still care. Just differently. If 5 of 10 people in a room think I'm full of shit, fine, half don't. But if all 10 do? Then maybe I am. So it's not that I don't care what people think — I care what everyone thinks. And that's not weakness. The trouble is my anxious brain takes the one person who frowned and convinces me it's the whole room.

Gary Vee's right — most of the time nobody's even thinking about you. This is the layer underneath that.

No fluff. Just the research, an honest look at my own head, and a promise to report back.

Pull up a chair.

— What we get into — Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway — why the goal was never to be fearless The disaster films we direct in our own heads — and why 91% of them never get released Why we're terrible at predicting how bad the future will actually feel (the impact bias) Gary Vee was right: nobody's thinking about you nearly as much as you fear The liking gap: people actually like us more than we think The honest twist — I'm not a narcissist, I do care, and here's why that's healthy Why one frown beats nine smiles (negativity bias) — and how your brain turns one critic into the whole room What to actually do: name the trailer, count the room, remember the liking gap

— The research, the people, the receipts —

Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway https://www.amazon.com/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway/dp/0345487427

Daniel Gilbert & Timothy Wilson — affective forecasting and the impact bias (we overestimate how bad the future will feel) https://dtg.sites.fas.harvard.edu/Wilson & Gilbert (Advances).pdf

"91.4% of worries never come true" — study on worry outcomes https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7233480/

Gary Vaynerchuk — "nobody gives a sh*t about you, they've got their own problems" https://www.facebook.com/gary/videos/once-you-realize-that-nobody-gives-a-sht-about-you-they-got-their-own-fcking-pro/828848769911349/

Erica Boothby, Gus Cooney, Gillian Sandstrom & Margaret Clark — the liking gap (people like us more than we think) https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/BoothbyCooneySandstromClark2018.pdf

Roy Baumeister et al., "Bad Is Stronger Than Good" — the negativity bias https://assets.csom.umn.edu/assets/71516.pdf

Solomon Asch — the conformity experiments (going along with the wrong consensus) https://www.simplypsychology.org/asch-conformity.html

Why we're wired to care what others think — social rejection and survival (APA) https://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection