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In this episode of Wedded Wednesday, Pastor Don and Lisa Smith tackle the surprising truth about marriage conflict: most of it isn't about major issues like infidelity or betrayal—it's about the little, petty things. The shoes left on the floor. The garbage that didn't go out. The same old joke told for the thousandth time.

📖 Scripture Focus – Romans 14:19 (NIV)

Don points out that Paul wrote this to early Christians arguing over silly things like whether to eat meat or only vegetables. Sound familiar? In marriage, we often do the same thing—blowing up small frustrations into huge battles.

🥊 The Real Problem: How We Fight Over Petty Things

When a small annoyance pops up, couples often fall into destructive patterns:

• Dismissing – "It's not a big deal. Get over it." (This devalues your spouse's feelings.)
• Name-calling – A form of dishonor that shuts down communication.
• Nitpicking & scorekeeping – Bringing up past wrongs instead of addressing the one current issue.

Lisa nails it: "When you dismiss someone's concern, you naturally bring their fists up in defense. Now they're ready to fight."

🛠️ The Better Way: "I'm Struggling to Get Over It"

Instead of blaming ("You always do this"), try owning your feelings:

This approach:

• Puts your spouse on receptive ground, not defensive
• Shows you want to get over it, not just win an argument
• Opens the door for mutual edification instead of mutual destruction

🔁 The Five-to-One Ratio (Revisited)

Lisa reminds listeners of their previous tool: before sharing one negative, share five genuine positives. Don admits that early on, he wanted her to "skip all that." Now he understands it helps her heart posture—and makes him willing to listen when the one thing finally comes.

💡 This Week's Challenge

🎧 Tune In

Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and join Pastor Don and Lisa for Wedded Wednesday—a weekly coffee date for your marriage. Available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and all major platforms. Don't forget to check the show notes for ways to support the show, send a text, or book Don & Lisa for a marriage seminar.

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

Click here to support Wedded Wednesday

Buy us a Sweet Tea and a Little Debbie Snack Cake

For more information or booking details, visit www.donmsmith.com

In this episode of Wedded Wednesday, Pastor Don and Lisa Smith tackle one of the sneakiest marriage killers: keeping a record of your spouse's wrongs. Drawing from 1 Corinthians 13:5 ("Love does not count up wrongs that have been done"), they explore how a mental list of past mistakes can turn your spouse into a villain and yourself into a victim—even when neither is true.

📝 The "Record of Wrongs" Trap

Don opens with a simple question for Lisa: "Do I have a record of your wrongs?" Her honest answer: early in marriage, yes—but less now, because she's learned to work on her own heart. The danger of keeping score is that negative memories accumulate, resurface during arguments, and create confirmation bias—you start seeing only what you're looking for. Phrases like "You always…" or "You never…" are dead giveaways that you're living in that bias.

💡 Flip the Script: A Record of Rights

Instead of obsessing over what your spouse does wrong, Don and Lisa challenge couples to create a "Blessing Journal" —a daily log of good things your spouse did, moments of kindness, or simple blessings from the day. (They even ask listeners to help name a "guy-friendly" version!) The goal is to rewire your brain to see the positive, which is far more abundant than the negative.

🔁 The Five-to-One Ratio

Lisa shares her practical tool: before you bring up one negative or frustration, you must first share five genuine positives about your spouse. Most of the time, after listing the five positives, you may not even feel the need to mention the negative anymore. This practice changes your heart posture, ensuring you speak out of love—not frustration or a desire to punish.

🛠️ This Week's Challenge

🎧 Tune In

Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and join Pastor Don and Lisa for Wedded Wednesday—a weekly coffee date for your marriage. Available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and all major platforms.

Support the show

Send us Fan Mail

Click here to support Wedded Wednesday

Buy us a Sweet Tea and a Little Debbie Snack Cake

For more information or booking details, visit www.donmsmith.com

In this episode of Wedded Wednesday, Pastor Don and Lisa Smith dive into why so many married couples argue unnecessarily—and how to tell if a disagreement is truly worth having.

🍋 Lemonade or Oxygen?
Don shares a simple but powerful illustration: Imagine you're by the pool, hot and thirsty. You're desperate for lemonade—your brain screams "I'm going to die if I don't get some!" But are you really? No. Now imagine someone holds you underwater. If you don't get oxygen, you will die. That's the difference between a "lemonade" issue and an "oxygen" issue.

Most marital arguments, Don and Lisa argue, are about lemonade—things that feel urgent in the moment but aren't actually life-or-death. Yet couples fight over them as if their lives depend on winning.

🗣️ Why Do We Argue Unnecessarily?
According to Don and Lisa, most arguments stem from:

• Feeling misunderstood or overlooked
• Wanting to win more than wanting to be in relationship
• Speaking without thinking, letting emotions take over
• Busyness that crowds out quality time and intimate conversation

💥 The Danger of Belittling
When couples can't win an argument, they often resort to belittling—name-calling, insults, and words that leave lasting damage. Don calls disdain and resentment "the most dangerous place married people can wind up," because those wounds are much harder to heal than other marital struggles.

💡 Practical Challenge

Don and Lisa encourage couples to pause before speaking, ask themselves, "Is this lemonade or oxygen?" and if it's not truly oxygen, find a different way to express the need. And if your spouse needs a minute, give them one—don't press the issue.

📖 Biblical Wisdom
The episode grounds this in Scripture, including Ephesians 4:29 (let no corrupting talk come out of your mouth) and the reminder that there is life and death in the power of the tongue.

🎧 Tune in
Pull up a chair, grab a cup of coffee, and join Pastor Don and Lisa for this week's Wedded Wednesday—a weekly coffee date for your marriage.

Support the show