Why do some kids keep trying when something is difficult while others quickly give up? In this episode of Thriving Kids, Dr. Dave Anderson sits down with Yale University researcher Dr. Julia Leonard to explore the science of motivation, persistence, and learning — and the important role parents and other adults can play in helping kids decide which challenges are worth pursuing.

In this episode, they cover:

• How children develop beliefs about what they’re capable of
• Why stepping in too quickly can unintentionally discourage independence
• How modeling your own hard work can help kids learn to keep trying
• Why giving kids opportunities to struggle and improve can build confidence
Key takeaways

• Kids learn about effort through relationships. When children face a difficult task, they look to parents, teachers, and other adults for clues about whether the challenge is worth pursuing and whether they’re capable of succeeding.

• Resist the urge to immediately take over. When a task is developmentally appropriate, giving kids room to try, struggle, and problem-solve can help them build independence and confidence.

• Let kids see your hard work. Adults often make everyday tasks look effortless, while doing their own difficult work out of sight. Showing kids that adults struggle, practice, make mistakes, and eventually improve helps make effort visible.

• Praise the process, not just the person. With younger children, highlighting effort, strategies, persistence, and progress can be more motivating than simply telling them they’re smart, talented, or “the best.”

• Keep praise authentic. Over-the-top praise can backfire, and as kids get older, they become increasingly sensitive to praise that doesn’t match their own assessment of how they performed.

• Create opportunities for kids to improve. Whether at home or in school, feedback, second chances, and opportunities to revise work send kids the message that learning is a process — not a single judgment of their ability.

Further reading

How to Help Kids Learn to Fail

Helping Kids With Flexible Thinking

Does It Matter How I Praise My Child?

When a child refuses to go to school, it can be easy to assume they’re unmotivated, being defiant, or simply trying to skip class. But school avoidance is often driven by anxiety — and understanding what’s behind it is an important first step toward helping kids get back to school.

In this Q&A episode of Thriving Kids, Dr. Dave Anderson is joined by Alana Cooperman, LCSW, a senior social worker in the Anxiety Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute, to answer parents’ questions about school anxiety, avoidance, and refusal.

Cooperman explains how school avoidance can look different across ages, from crying and clinging to parents in younger children to stomachaches, sleep problems, irritability, frequent trips to the nurse, or repeated requests to come home in older kids and teens. She and Dr. Dave also discuss how ADHD, learning difficulties, autism, peer problems, academic pressure, and embarrassing experiences at school can contribute to avoidance.

In this episode, they cover:

• Common reasons kids may avoid school
• How bullying, peer conflict, tests, teachers, bathrooms, and lunchrooms can become triggers
• How ADHD, executive functioning challenges, learning disorders, and autism can contribute
• How to validate anxiety without validating avoidance
• Why staying home shouldn’t become more rewarding than going to school
• How gradual exposure can help kids build tolerance for anxiety
• When professional help may be needed
• Why progress isn’t always linear — and why effort matters

Further reading

When Kids Refuse to Go to School

How Anxiety Affects Kids in School

Anxious Stomachaches and Headaches

Have a question you’d like Dr. Dave and a Child Mind Institute expert to answer in a future episode? Send it through the Child Mind Institute’s social channels or email podcast@childmind.org.

Journalist, author, and podcast host Molly Jong-Fast got sober at 19 — and nearly three decades later, she continues to speak candidly about her experience with alcoholism and recovery. In this episode of Thriving Kids, she joins Dr. Dave Anderson for a conversation about recognizing addiction in adolescence, overcoming stigma, and why young people struggling with substance use need to know that recovery is possible.

In this episode, they cover:

• Why addiction can look different from typical adolescent experimentation
• Why family history can be an important part of conversations about substance use
• How parents can talk openly with kids about addiction without relying on shame
• What parents should know about marijuana and the developing adolescent brain
• Why lasting recovery involves more than simply removing access to a substance
• How schools and colleges can better support young people who choose sobriety
Key takeaways

• Addiction can begin early. Jong-Fast describes recognizing during adolescence that she had difficulty controlling her substance use and that her experience looked different from that of many of her peers.

• Pay attention to patterns, not just individual incidents. Repeated inability to stop, dramatic changes in behavior, escalating use, or repeatedly trying and failing to cut back may signal that a young person needs additional support.

• Talk honestly about family history. When addiction runs in a family, age-appropriate conversations can help kids understand that they may have increased vulnerability without framing their future as inevitable.

• Shame isn’t treatment. Families can establish clear boundaries around substance use while continuing to communicate love, connection, and a willingness to help.

• Legal doesn’t mean harmless. Alcohol and marijuana may be legal for adults, but that doesn’t eliminate the potential risks associated with adolescent use.

• Young people need spaces that support sobriety. Substance-free housing, recovery communities, treatment programs, and supportive peers can help young people build lives that don’t revolve around alcohol or drugs.

• Recovery can open up possibilities rather than close them down. Jong-Fast describes sobriety as what allowed her to build a life in which alcohol and drugs did not dictate her decisions.

Further reading
Complete Guide to Substance Use and Mental Health

How to Talk to Your Teen About Substance Use