Podcast Exclusive: They Never Initiate... Are They a Bad Friend or Partner? (Thoughts from Chapter 2)

They never initiate. Does that mean they don't care?

What if the person who isn't initiating isn't uninterested—they're just not naturally good at making the first move?

Important caveat: We don't turn this into “never hold people accountable.” There is a crucial distinction between poor initiation and poor reciprocity.

In this episode of Thinking Out Loud, we explore the difference between not initiating and not reciprocating—and why those two things shouldn't automatically be treated as the same thing.

“I’m always the one who texts first.”

“If I stopped reaching out, I’d never hear from them again.”

Sometimes, that does tell us something, but not always what we think it tells us.

Some people simply aren't good at initiating connection.

For autistic people, executive functioning, uncertainty, social anxiety, and fear of bothering someone can all make that first move surprisingly difficult.

For someone who has spent years as the “Choosee”—a coined term from Chapter 2 for the person who tends to wait to be chosen rather than doing the choosing—initiating can feel especially vulnerable.

But here's the nuance: Difficulty initiating doesn't automatically make someone a bad friend or partner. What happens after you open the door matters, too.

Are they thoughtful? Loyal? Responsive? Do they show up? Do they reciprocate? Do they make you feel valued once the connection is established?

At the same time, if you are the person who’s always initiating (whether you’re neurotypical or neurodivergent), your needs still matter. Understanding why someone struggles to initiate doesn't mean you have to pretend their communication style works for you all the time.

Because “This person doesn't give me what I need” and “This person doesn't give me what I need BECAUSE THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT ME” are completely different statements.

This is a Thinking Out Loud exploration of autism, relationships, RSD, reciprocity, and the wonderfully inconvenient thing called “nuance.”

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