A woman writes in about a husband who has appointed himself Head of Loss Prevention for their marriage. He supervises her at the self-checkout. He audits the grocery bill. He announces to an entire restaurant that he is not tipping.

None of these places employ him.

Joseph calls him Dave, because this is Dave behaviour, and because Dave has been radicalized by a debit terminal. The trouble is that Dave isn't wrong. Tipping screens are out of control, the cereal box is a pamphlet, and they made the toilet paper narrower and thought nobody would notice. Being right about the problem still doesn't entitle you to become the town crier at a sandwich counter.

Also: the Italian mothers of Woodbridge who drove to three stores with a flyer and a pen and were right about all of it, a confession involving a twelve-dollar item on a patio bill, and sixty-eight thousand loyalty points being guarded like offshore money.

Next week: the coworkers who are not your friends, and the birthday card that proved it.

Joseph's memoir THE DAD DIARIES is out September 26th. Signed copies at thedaddiaries.com, or pre-order anywhere you buy books.

Got a mess of your own? Send it to info@jeopublishing.com.

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Bitch Fest is a Between the Covers production.