What actually makes us feel close to another person?

Is chemistry enough to build a lasting relationship? Do opposites really attract? Is conflict a sign that something is wrong? And can someone genuinely love us while still failing to make us feel loved?

In this episode of Ego Over Id, we sit down with renowned relationship scientist Dr. Harry Reis, Dean’s Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester and co-author of How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.

Drawing from more than five decades of research on social interaction and close relationships, Dr. Reis shares with us what relationship science actually tells us about intimacy, chemistry, compatibility, vulnerability, listening, conflict, attachment, and love.

One of the central ideas of our conversation is surprisingly simple: being loved and feeling loved are not necessarily the same thing.

For intimacy to develop, we need more than another person’s good intentions. We need to experience them as someone who understands us, appreciates us, and cares about us—a concept relationship researchers call perceived partner responsiveness.

Dr. Reis is the co-author, with happiness researcher Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky. The book explores a deceptively important distinction: many people are loved but don't consistently feel loved.

Learn more about the book, explore its resources, and take the authors’ quiz: How to Feel Loved — Official Website

Dr. Harry Reis — University of Rochester
Faculty Profile & Research

How to Feel Loved
Official Book Website

More on Dr. Reis's relationship research
University of Rochester — Relationship Science & Online Dating

Research: Perceived Partner Responsiveness & Well-Being
Oxford Academic

More from the authors on feeling loved
Greater Good Science Center — Five Ways to Feel More Loved

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