Episode Guide

You can give your power away by staying quiet, saying yes when you mean no, and shrinking to keep the peace. You can also lose it by gripping for control, becoming defensive, or exploding when things feel uncertain.

In this episode, Michael and Justin explore why the peacekeeper and the powder keg are not opposites. Both are trying to feel safe. One abandons themselves to avoid conflict. The other tries to control the moment before anyone can threaten them.

Real power is not dominance, volume, intimidation, or being the easiest person in the room. It is self-possession. It is the ability to stay connected to yourself, speak honestly, hear difficult truths, and set boundaries without collapsing or attacking.

Topics Covered

• Why passivity and reactivity often come from the same fear
• The difference between being nice and being good
• How people-pleasing becomes a form of control
• Why anger, defensiveness, and micromanaging can hide powerlessness
• The body signals that appear before a familiar pattern takes over
• How the pause creates space between activation and action
• The difference between boundaries, walls, and weapons
• Why real confidence feels steady rather than forceful
• How an internal locus of control helps you reclaim your power

Key Takeaways

• The goal is not for a passive person to become aggressive or for a reactive person to become silent.
• Real power is staying connected to yourself when discomfort rises.
• A boundary can be clear without becoming a threat.
• Hard truths can become information instead of attacks.
• Your needs are allowed to take up space, but they do not require anyone else to lose.
• Discomfort is often the cost of growth, not proof that something is wrong.

Practice: The Pause and the Pivot

Catch one moment this week when you feel the urge to fold or fire.

Pause. Take one slow breath. Return to your body.

Then make one different choice:

• If you usually fold, speak one honest need in one sentence.
• If you usually fire, slow the reaction and respond without trying to control the outcome.

Affirmations

• My needs are allowed to take up space.
• I can hear hard things without being harmed by them.
• I release what was never mine to control.
• My power does not depend on anyone else’s behavior.
• I am steady even when things do not go my way.

Journaling Prompts

• When did you first learn that staying quiet or staying in control kept you safe?
• Describe the last time you felt genuinely powerful without anyone else losing.
• If you stopped managing how people experience you, what would you say tomorrow that you are not saying today?

References Mentioned

The Path of Ashla, the Axioms of Light, self-possession, trauma responses, mindfulness, authenticity, and internal versus external locus of control.

Keywords: stepping into your power, self-possession, people-pleasing, emotional reactivity, boundaries, assertiveness, nervous system regulation, authenticity, internal locus of control, mindfulness, personal growth, spiritual growth, Path of Ashla, Axioms of Light

Connect: Michael Perry | Justin Gates

Follow: TikTok | New Ashla

Episode Guide

You can be surrounded by people and still feel like no one would notice if you disappeared for a week.

Loneliness does not always look like sitting alone. Sometimes it looks like busyness, exhaustion, independence, productivity, or protecting your peace. Slowly, the distance between you and the people you care about grows wider, and reconnecting starts to feel harder than staying isolated.

In this episode, Michael and Justin explore how isolation becomes familiar, why healthy solitude can quietly turn into avoidance, and why reaching out feels so vulnerable. They discuss the stories we create when someone goes silent, the importance of offering grace without abandoning our own needs, and how relationships help us see ourselves more clearly.

This is not about sending one generic text and pretending loneliness is solved. It is about recognizing withdrawal, taking one honest step toward connection, and becoming someone other people can feel less alone around.

• Why loneliness disguises itself as independence
• The difference between solitude and isolation
• How busyness and productivity become avoidance
• Why canceled plans can feel relieving
• The stories we tell when someone stops reaching out
• Why vulnerability creates deeper relationships
• Practical ways to reconnect after time apart
• Helping someone cross the threshold out of isolation

• Healthy solitude helps you return to life more grounded. Isolation helps you avoid returning.
• Someone’s silence does not automatically mean they stopped caring.
• You do not need to feel ready before reaching out.
• A specific invitation is more powerful than saying, “We should catch up sometime.”
• Sometimes you need someone to hold the rope while you climb out.
• The goal is not only to feel less lonely. It is to become someone others can feel less alone around.

Think of the specific person who came to mind while listening.

Send them one direct message and name an actual next step.

You might say:

• “I noticed you’ve been quiet lately. How are you, really?”
• “I miss you. Would you like to grab coffee this week?”
• “You crossed my mind today, and I wanted to check in.”

If leaving the house feels overwhelming, begin with the message. Make the next step honest, specific, and manageable.

• I am allowed to reach out first.
• My presence matters to people.
• Connection is worth the risk of being turned down.
• I am someone people can be less alone around.

• Who has gone quiet in your life, and what story have you told yourself about why?
• Are you stepping back so you can return more grounded, or stepping away so you do not have to return?
• What is the worst honest outcome of reaching out, and could you survive it?

“Am I stepping back so I can return more clearly, or am I stepping away so I do not have to return at all?”

Keywords: loneliness epidemic, social isolation, meaningful connection, healthy solitude, vulnerability, friendship, community, avoidance, authentic relationships, peer support, spiritual connection, Path of Ashla

Connect: Michael Perry | Justin Gates

Follow: TikTok | New Ashla

Explore more episodes, companion materials, and coaching at New Ashla

Episode Companion

Are you tired of healing, or are you tired of healing being performed?

In this episode of The New Ashla Podcast, Michael Perry and Justin Gates explore the difference between healing that is actually being lived and healing that is only being worn.

Healing language is everywhere right now. Boundaries, trauma, manifestation, shadow work, nervous system regulation, alignment, and inner child work have become common parts of the conversation. That can be beautiful — but when sacred work becomes popular, imitation often follows.

This conversation is not about rejecting healing, spirituality, coaching, or personal growth. It is about discernment.

Real healing is not about sounding wise, looking peaceful, or posting the right words. Real healing changes how we live. It shows up in accountability, repair, humility, action, and the ability to face hard truths without collapsing or avoiding.

In this episode, we explore:

• Performative healing vs embodied healing
• Spiritual bypassing and false shortcuts
• Why awareness is not the same as integration
• The difference between boundaries and avoidance
• Manifestation without action
• How to recognize red flags and green flags in teachers, coaches, and spiritual spaces
• Why real healing requires accountability, humility, and practice

Key Takeaways:

• Healing is not proven by how spiritual someone sounds.
• Real growth shows up in behavior, repair, and consistency.
• Awareness is only the beginning; integration is the actual work.
• Not every boundary is healthy. Sometimes “protecting your peace” becomes avoidance.
• A good teacher should help you become more honest and capable, not dependent.
• Discernment allows you to question healing culture without becoming bitter.

Practice for the Week:

Look at the healing, spiritual, or personal growth content the algorithm keeps showing you.

Ask yourself:

• Is this only affirming me, or is it leading me into action?
• Is this helping me become more honest with myself and others?
• Is it changing how I actually behave?
• Is there a real practice attached to it?
• What would it look like if I actually lived what I keep listening to?

Affirmations:

• I do not need to perform healing for my healing to be real.
• My growth is shown through practice, not image.
• I can protect my peace and still face hard truths.
• I can use discernment without becoming bitter.
• Real healing brings me closer to honesty, humility, and love.

Journaling Prompt:

Where have I been using the language of healing without fully living the practice of it?

Keywords: healing culture, performative healing, spiritual bypassing, shadow work, manifestation, boundaries, trauma healing, nervous system regulation, personal growth, spiritual growth, discernment, accountability, emotional healing, integration, New Ashla, Path of Ashla, Axioms of Light.

Connect: Michael Perry | Justin Gates

Follow: TikTok | New Ashla

Episode Companion and Attachment Quiz

One person reaches. The other retreats. And the harder one chases, the further the other pulls away.

In this final episode of our attachment series, we bring anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment together to explore how these patterns actually interact inside relationships.

The anxious-avoidant dance can feel confusing, addictive, painful, and deeply personal. One partner may fear abandonment while the other fears being consumed. One seeks reassurance while the other seeks space. But underneath both strategies, there is often the same deeper wound: fear.

This episode is not about blaming one attachment style over another. It is about learning to see the loop clearly, understand the stories your nervous system creates, and begin practicing something different.

Secure attachment is not about becoming perfect. It is not about never getting triggered. It is about learning to regulate before reaction, repair after rupture, communicate honestly, and build enough trust to stay present with yourself and others.

Topics covered:

• The anxious-avoidant relationship loop
• Why one person chases while the other withdraws
• How disorganized attachment creates hot-and-cold dynamics
• Nervous system activation and relationship stories
• Reflection vs rumination
• Secure attachment as a practice
• Repair after rupture
• Trust, presence, and communication
• Using a couples journal to create safer conversations

Key takeaways:

• Anxious and avoidant patterns are often opposite strategies protecting against similar fears.
• The story you tell yourself during activation may not be the full truth.
• Reflection becomes powerful when it leads to accountability, not self-justification.
• Secure attachment is built through awareness, regulation, repair, and trust.
• Every moment you choose differently is evidence that you are changing.

Practice from the episode:

Think of a recent moment when you felt activated in a relationship. It does not have to be romantic. It could be with a friend, family member, partner, or coworker.

Before focusing on what happened after, pause and ask:

What did I immediately tell myself this meant?

Write the story down honestly. Do not edit it. Do not make it sound wise or healed. Just notice what your nervous system believed in that moment.

Then ask:

Is this a current offense, or is this touching an older wound?

Affirmations:

I am not an attachment wound. I am the one who can heal it.

I can feel fear in connection and choose to stay present anyway.

Secure attachment is something I practice, not something I missed.

I am learning to regulate before I react.

Every moment I choose differently is evidence that I am changing.

Journaling prompts:

When you feel disconnected from someone you care about, what do you usually do?

What are you hoping that response will get you?

Has that strategy actually worked?

What have your old protection mechanisms cost you in relationships?

What would it feel like to be truly secure in connection, without needing constant reassurance or constant distance?

Think of one moment when you were regulated and present in a relationship. What made that possible?

Keywords: attachment styles, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, secure attachment, anxious avoidant dance, relationship healing, nervous system regulation, emotional triggers, repair after rupture, trust, communication, self-awareness, New Ashla, Path of Ashla.

Connect: Michael Perry | Justin Gates

Follow: TikTok | New Ashla

Episode Guide

You want the relationship. You want closeness. You want to be loved.

But the moment it starts to feel real, the moment someone actually shows up for you, something inside you starts looking for the exit.

In part three of our attachment series, we explore disorganized attachment: the painful push-pull of craving connection while fearing it at the same time.

Disorganized attachment often forms when the person a child depends on for comfort is also a source of fear, instability, or emotional danger. The nervous system learns an impossible equation: I need you, and you are not safe.

That contradiction can follow us into adulthood. Love can feel good and terrifying. Safety can feel unfamiliar. A stable relationship can trigger the urge to run, pick a fight, shut down, or brace for everything to fall apart.

In this episode, we talk about how disorganized attachment shows up in relationships, why self-sabotage is often old self-protection, and how healing begins through awareness, nervous system regulation, compassion, and the slow practice of staying present when things are good.

Topics covered:

• Why disorganized attachment feels so confusing
• The push-pull between wanting closeness and fearing it
• How love can become a trigger
• Self-sabotage, impulsivity, and relationship hypervigilance
• Shame, guilt, and the belief “I am bad”
• Why safe relationships can feel threatening
• The role of the nervous system in attachment healing
• How the pause creates space between activation and reaction
• Learning to build safety, trust, and secure connection
• A reminder for partners: compassion does not mean losing yourself

Key takeaways:

• Disorganized attachment is not a flaw. It is a survival pattern.
• Self-sabotage often comes from the nervous system trying to protect you.
• Shame keeps the wound open; compassion creates room for healing.
• Healing requires more than insight. The body needs new experiences of safety.
• You are not too broken, too much, or too far gone.
• Good things can stay. Love can become safe.

Practice: Stay in the Good

The next time something genuinely good happens in a relationship — a kind gesture, a peaceful conversation, a moment of real connection — pause.

Put your feet on the floor. Take two slow breaths. Let the moment be what it is without waiting for it to turn.

No analysis. No preparing for the crash. Just ten seconds of letting good be good.

Affirmations:

• I am allowed to want closeness and to have it.
• Safety is something I can learn. It is not too late for me.
• I do not have to sabotage what is good. Good things can stay.
• My nervous system is old. The present moment is new. I can tell the difference.
• I am not too much. I am someone learning how to be loved.

Journaling prompts:

• Think about the last time you pulled back from someone who was showing up for you. What were you afraid was about to happen? Where does that fear actually come from?
• What does safe feel like in your body? If you are not sure, what would you need from a relationship to start finding out?
• Is there a good thing in your life right now that you have been waiting to fall apart? What would it mean to let yourself trust it?

Keywords: disorganized attachment, attachment styles, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, attachment wounds, relationship anxiety, self-sabotage, nervous system regulation, emotional triggers, shame healing, secure attachment, emotional regulation, the pause, self-trust, New Ashla, Path of Ashla.