Chapter Title: Unplugged: What I Actually Believe About Resilience

I didn't prepare any of this.

No slides. No outline. No notes. Just me, a microphone, and whatever came out.

Sometimes that's when the real stuff shows up. When you stop trying to be a coach and just let yourself be a person who's been through some things and figured out a few things along the way.

Here's what came out.

The Definition You Haven't Heard

Emotional resilience isn't about being tough. It's not about gritting your teeth and powering through.

Here's how I defined it in the moment, words I'd never spoken in that order before: Emotional resilience is the ability to go through a difficult circumstance, situation, or event, and at the end of it, effectively sort and manage your emotions to the point where it doesn't throw you off kilter — and you're able to maintain direction and purpose toward your goals.

Notice what's missing. Nowhere does it say "you don't feel anything." Nowhere does it say "you're not affected."

It says you sort it. You manage it. You don't let it steer you off the road.

The Problem No One Talks About

Most advice about resilience assumes you've been through something similar before. That you have skills and tools ready to deploy.

But what about the thing you've never faced? The breakup that's unlike any breakup you've had. The job loss that hits different because you're older now. The health scare that came out of nowhere.

How do you have resilience for an experience you've never had?

You can't draw on old experience that doesn't exist. So you have to draw on something else. Something timeless. Something that was true yesterday, is true today, and will be true tomorrow.

That's where love comes in.

The Mirror Moment

You've heard "love is the answer" so many times it's become wallpaper. You nod along. You don't feel it.

But watch what happens when I ask you this: What's the one thing that has made you do something you never thought you'd do?

Not ambition. Not fear. Not logic.

Love.

People sacrifice for love. They give up time, money, sleep, pride. In extreme cases, they give up their lives. There's an old saying — older than any religion, older than any philosophy: "Greater love hath no man than this, than a man lay down his life for his friend."

That's not sentimental. That's physics. Love is the most powerful force in the human emotional system. And if it can make you die for someone, it can certainly make you live for yourself.

Why I Love to Travel I've just come back from a trip to Tangalooma. We took the whole family.

while snorkling I saw one fish. I was so happy. I'd seen a fish in the wild. Then I turned around and looked down deeper. There were hundreds of fish. Yellows, purples, greens. So many colors. Fish the size of small suitcases. I was reaching out, almost touching them.

Why People Do Personal Development I've been coaching for twelve years now. I came up with an acronym: INSPIRED. Each letter stands for a reason people come to personal development.

Let me walk you through it.

I - Increase Income People want to increase their income. Why? Because they believe it will make them happy. And there's truth to that. Money gives you opportunities. Travel. Experiences. For your family.

But here's the nuance. Money and happiness rise together up to a point. Once you have all your needs met and some of your wants, more money doesn't create more happiness. Yet people keep acquiring, hoping it will.

N - Never Work for a Boss Again Why do people want this? Because bosses can give you a hard time. Micromanage you. Undermine you. Give you the work of four people. Come down hard on mistakes. Create stress. Tightness across your neck and shoulders.

People want to work for themselves. Choose their own hours. Remove the cap on their income. And they believe that will make them happy.

S - Spare Time More spare time means time for hobbies. Time for family. Time for friends. Time for activities that make you smile and laugh. That make you feel happy.

P - Personal Development Some people just love personal development. They love growing. It's been said that you're either growing or you're dying. Growth is part of fulfillment. The other part is contribution.

I - Influencer People want to become influencers. To inspire others. To lift others. To guide others. To be a coach or a leader.

When you impact somebody in a positive way, you get benefits too. It feels good. When someone says, "Thank you. You've changed my life for the better," that's powerful.

R - Retirement / Saving People prepare for retirement. But it's not just financial. You need to emotionally clear your past. Heal your inner child. Stop ruminating. Stop being depressed about what happened. Stop being anxious about what might happen.

I heard Barbara O'Neil tell a story. A couple came to her health retreat. They were retired professionals. Both earned lots of money. But they had health problems. They said, "We're retired now. We can focus on our health." And they changed their lives.

Here's a sad story. A man was driving to his own retirement function. He had a heart attack in the car. Died before he enjoyed one day of retirement.

Prepare your mind, your heart, your body, your spirit. Not just your bank account.

E - Enjoy Financial Freedom People fall in love with travel. With living the lifestyle they want. Money creates happiness to a point. Beyond that, you can find more happiness by using your wealth to impact others. Charity. Service. Getting your message out to help people.

D - Design a Destiny Personal development gives you the ability to design the future you want. Your love life. Your relationships. Your health. Your energy. Your vitality. Your finances. Your emotional well-being.

The Rear Vision Mirror We all have a past and we all have a future. But what we don't want to do is jump in our vehicle and drive out into our life looking into the rear vision mirror. You can glance at it momentarily. What you don't want to do is be looking at it in a fixated way because that's going to lead to an accident, especially at high speed.

Your past doesn't equal your future.

The Definition of Insanity The definition of insanity is a person doing the same thing the same way repeatedly expecting a different result. Some people do that. They beat a dead horse and wonder why it doesn't get up and run.

It's been said that a person who's worked in a job for twenty years may say, "I've got twenty years experience." That's not correct. They probably have one year experience repeated twenty times.I believed something different. I believed you could go from victim to survivor to thrive. I believed that you can change. That the past doesn't equal the future. That if you bring in different ideas, different tools, and work with your beliefs, you can shift not just your attitude but your behavior.

We had different belief systems. I think that led to our separation.

The Room and the Doorway Imagine you're in a dark room. There's a door. On the other side of that door is a spotlight pointing at the door. But the door has no gaps. No light is seeping through.

That's "not possible." You're stuck. Hopeless. Helpless.

Now imagine you open the door just a fraction. A sliver of light comes in. You can start to make out the walls. The objects. Everything becomes clearer.

That's "possible." That's the first step.

Then you move to "probable." I can probably heal. I can probably overcome this. I can probably change my situation.

Then you move to "definite." Absolute knowledge. Total conviction. Life coaching is grabbing that door handle and ripping the door open so the floodlight fills the room.

The Healing Process How do you resolve the past? Because it happened. You can't erase it. Here's what you do:

1. Recognize there's a problem.
2. Stop picking at it. Stop telling the same story the same way.
3. Forgiveness.
4. Gratitude.

That's the healing process. It gets you from "not possible" to "I know it."

My Second Marriage I remarried a wonderful woman named Rebecca. She helped me back onto my feet. Helped me get the confidence back to believe I could create and design a future I could absolutely love.

I've been with Rebecca for nineteen plus years. It's a relationship filled with love and passion. If I had believed that the past equals the future, I would have been destined to repeat the same pattern. I didn't repeat it.

Final Statement Wherever you are right now. If you're feeling stuck. Dealing with depression. Anxiety. Even suicidal ideology. There is a way forward. There is a way out. There is a light at the end of that dark tunnel.

Your past doesn't have to equal your future.