overview of the 3 elements.

The 4 steps in the healing process.

Have you ever felt like you’re just laying bricks? You’re doing the work, checking the boxes, sending the emails—but something feels… hollow. You’re busy, but you’re not moving. That’s because activity isn’t the same as progress. Real progress happens when you have a vision so strong it pulls you out of bed in the morning.

The Chemistry of Vision

We often think of love as something that just happens to us. We fall into it, or we wait for it. But what if we treated relationships the same way we treat our health or our finances? You don’t get fit by going to the gym once. You don’t build wealth by saving a single dollar. You do it through consistency, focus, and a clear target.

Relationships are no different.

To create a relationship filled with love and passion, we must first know what that looks like. Not in a vague, fairy-tale way—but specifically. Viscerally. We need to feel it in our nervous system before we ever hold it in our hands.

The Deanna Shift: From "Who Would Want Me?" to "I Know It Will Happen"

I remember Deanna. She came to me over a decade ago, one of my very first coaching clients. She was a single mom with three daughters. And she sat across from me and laid out her case.

“Who would want me?” she asked. “I’ve got an ex-husband. I’ve got kids. I’m older now. I don’t have the confidence I used to have.”

She wasn’t being dramatic. She was being honest. She had fear. She had limited self-belief. And she was tired.

But she also had a sliver of hope. That tiny spark is all we need.

We did a process called Strategic Visioning. I asked her to close her eyes and travel twelve months into the future. Not to imagine it like a daydream, but to experience it. To feel it in her body.

And there it was. She saw herself with a man. His arm was around her. Her arm was around him. They were united. A force. She didn’t see his face—just the back of his head. But she felt it. She felt the belonging. She felt the safety. She felt the joy.

When she opened her eyes, something had clicked. She wasn’t hopeful anymore. She was certain.

Within months, she met him. Today, nearly a decade later, they are still together.

That’s not magic. That’s the rubber band effect.

The Rubber Band Effect

Imagine a thick, heavy-duty rubber band. You wrap it around yourself, and you wrap the other end around your vision. Not around a task. Not around a to-do list. Around the outcome.

Now, feel yourself being pulled.

That is pull motivation. You don’t have to push yourself to work harder or be better. You are simply drawn toward the future you’ve already experienced in your mind.

Most of us are stuck in push mode. We push ourselves out of bed. We push through the workday. We push to be positive. But pushing requires willpower, and willpower runs out.

Pulling is sustainable. Pulling is joyful. Pulling is how we build cathedrals, not just lay bricks.

The Cathedral Mindset

There’s an old story about two men laying bricks. One is miserable. The sun is hot. The work is hard. When asked what he’s doing, he snaps, “What does it look like? I’m laying bricks.”

The second man is almost running to get the next brick. He’s smiling. He’s energized. When asked what he’s doing, he says, “I’m building a cathedral.”

Same bricks. Same tools. Different vision.

If you don’t have a vision, your tasks are just tasks. They drain you. But when you know you’re building a cathedral—when you know that email you’re sending, that conversation you’re having, that boundary you’re setting is part of something sacred—the energy shifts.