“Why is it called Raccoon City? It’s not nearly adorable enough.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Resident Evil. This film has everything: apocalypse-proof Life cereal, a rolling pileup of bodies, And a pedicure no squid foot could survive. If you love Jetta-based survival plans, emergency ladder management, and padlock boss fights, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Hokum (2026)

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“Our cooks are kind of busy murdering a child from your local community.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Five Nights at Freddy’s 2. This film has everything: paranormal robot cold cases, one-size-fits-all music boxes, And unsuspecting guest singalongs. If you love Jason Pargin’s screenplay autopsies, elementary school robot arms races, and haunted theme-park yetis, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Resident Evil (2026)

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“I don't know what's scarier. Josh Hartnett's hair or Michelle Williams' '90s eyebrows.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Halloween H20: 20 Years Later. This film has everything: masked library research, guard-shack smut, and a school counselor with spectacularly bad timing. If you love suspicious birthday cards, folding-table physics, and imagining Michael Myers as your therapist, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Five Nights at Freddy’s 2

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“I'm sorry you have to see me naked. Stop trying to kill me and I'll clothe myself. But this is on you.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Ready or Not 2: Here I Come. This film has everything: grassy-knoll hide-and-seek, vascular syringe seduction, And a backwards bridal bazooka. If you love golf-cart ring quests, privatized 911 customer service, and Air Bud's satanic loopholes, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Five Nights at Freddy's 2

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"You're honor, in Yahweh versus Rome."

This week’s scariest movie is... Psycho 2. This film has everything: municipal nuclear arsenals, O.J. Simpson crowd-work hazards, And upper-pectoral boob mechanics. If you love bleeding-wall en suites, murder-knife sandwich service, and mom-signed coworker hate mail, this episode’s for you!

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“Shut the fuck up and dress like an Easter bunny.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Critters 2. This film has everything: reptile piercings at Claire's, Soviet critter espionage, And Mickey Mouse kink protocols. If you love Grandma's intergalactic TV remote, Civil War burger demolition, and CritCon 27's guest list, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Psycho 2

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“Every place I have sex automatically becomes historical.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Phantasm IV: Oblivion (With Mikey Randolph). This film has everything: hybrid Beast dick taxonomy, brown-note embalming science, And bar-certified sex bots. If you love Jawa protection rackets, hydraulic boob engineering, and combat ice-cream uniforms, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Critters 2

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“I can't wait for you to read the Google AI summary about the Beast's dick.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. This film has everything: TSA charcuterie seizures, Latin-speaking exorcist Scooby, And cat-clock moon dials. If you love Ken-doll devil frogs, second-location kidney retention, and Free Willy fish arcs, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Phantasm Four

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