Recounts an embarrassing mammogram, criticizes all the plastic surgery in Hollywood, and explains how to trick men into respecting women.

Imagines a new classified section for selling used sneakers and waxes nostalgic about cool lunch boxes and field trips back in elementary school.

Describes the strange messages his dad leaves on his answering machine and the advice his dad gives him on his act.

Discusses an idiotic court decision in Virginia, a series of unfortunate events in the news, and how much money it would take for him to sleep with his own mom.

Talks about her Jewish credentials, thanks men for granting the "Year of the Woman," and shares her gratitude for new abortion laws that help save her from her own silly decision making.

Hopes that Bill Clinton will bring some white trash-ness to the White House, shares his strategy for protecting himself at the ATM, and muses on violence in America.

Complains about Michael Bolton's music, wonders who buys boxed sets of CDs, talks about using a wok at home and feeding the homeless, and shares which brand of toilet paper he uses.

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Shares some useful sex tips, describes some wacky stuff he's seen walking around the village, and recounts the painful details of his break up.