Welcome back to the bunker for another completely unhinged installment of Side Quests, broadcasting directly from the weirdest corners of the simulation here on the Victim Matrix channel. The world is burning, the timeline is broken, and we are back to laugh at the absolute absurdity of the human race.

This week, we have an episode fully packed with absolute insanity. Grab a drink and strap in.

• The Fart That Stopped Spider-Man: We kick things off in Colombia, where a theater screening of Spider-Man had to be fully evacuated after a moviegoer unleashed a biological weapon so toxic it sent fans running for the exits.

• The Human Refrigerator: Summer heat got you down? A Japanese company just launched the "Do Hiemon Box"—a literal upright refrigerator designed to store a living human being like a carton of milk.

• The Duck Bucks Heist: A South Korean bank manager successfully embezzled $45,000 by swapping real vault cash with cartoon play money covered in ducks and bears.

• Trekking Pole Tough Guy: A Montana wound-care nurse gets fully impaled through the chest by his own trekking pole, decides a helicopter rescue is way too expensive, and casually hikes 10 miles down the mountain with the steel shaft still sticking out of his body.

• Faking Death for a DUI: A man in China takes avoiding accountability to the extreme by convincing his entire family to stage his own funeral just to dodge a drunk driving charge.

• Toilet Chug of Thrones: A Russian plumbing company hosts a bizarre Game of Thrones-themed drinking competition where contestants aggressively chug out of toilet bowls.

• Russian Fuel Warlocks: With massive gas shortages hitting Russia, opportunistic sorcerers and mystics are charging desperate drivers for bogus spells to "magically attract" gasoline into their tanks.

• The Great Fish Sauce Crisis: A tiny Canadian town is finally seeing the light after spending 20 years choking on the stench of 330,000 gallons of abandoned, rotting fish sauce.

• Taylor Swift Barefoot Bandit: Camarillo, California's most dedicated Swiftie breaks into an award-winning ice cream shop with no shoes on, just to steal a life-sized cardboard cutout of "Flat Taylor."

• Crossbow Circus Chaos: We break down the terrifying moment a performer at a New York county fair was accidentally shot directly in the neck with a live arrow (and miraculously survived).

• Painless Tattoos: A UK biotech startup, CipherX, is trying to change ink culture forever with a new stick-on, microneedle patch that permanently tattoos you in 15 minutes with virtually zero pain.

• The 639-Year Concert: We look at the Halberstadt organ that is currently playing a single John Cage composition so slowly it won't finish until the year 2640.

• The Greek Bridge of Denial: A concrete bridge in Greece officially snapped in half and collapsed into a V-shape, but the locals simply refuse to care and keep driving over it anyway.

• 9 Days in the Tub: We cover the absolute nightmare survival story of an 82-year-old widow who was trapped in her bathtub for over a week after a bad fall.

• The Toddler Mukbang Scandal: In our darkest story of the week, we discuss the horrific viral controversy of parents heavily criticized for exploiting and overfeeding their 3-year-old daughter to 77 pounds just for internet mukbang views.

The world is a dystopian circus and we are just here to document the ride. Grab your Duck Bucks, check your toilet bowls, and stay weird.

Don't forget to LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, and leave a comment telling us your Petty Hill for the week!