One of the harshest realities I have had to face since losing Sam is that I live under the glass ceiling of grief now. My best days and most fantastic experiences will never be as purely joyful as they used to be. They start that way and my excitement is real, but the joy I feel is forever anchored in the sorrow of Sam's absence. This is part of losing a child. I believe that it is a grief that we do not overcome, we can only learn to manage, within the confines of our own life and personality.

I live big and I grieve hard. Ironically, the two inexplicably show up together frequently, creating huge confusing emotions of gratitude for life and profound grief at the same time, and this is what today's episode is about.💕

In my opinion, any emotion we carry after losing a Son or a daughter is valid. I know that anger is a common emotion after losing a kid to addiction because there is so much chaos and disbelief that we could not save them, but I have never felt angry towards Sam, just fear that I would lose him.

In this episode, I discuss why I am not angry at Sam, how much I identify with him, and why I think the cops that arrested him that night could have done a better job than to drop him off at the train station with no shoes or warm clothes on a sub-zero night. As a society, we have to be better than this. If either cop had known Sam or had true compassion, things could have turned out differently.

I live with so much confusion and pain but I don't blame Sam, I blame the perfect storm that became his life and took him from me. I have lots of unanswered questions, no gains from figuring them out, and this is another stifling and tragic part of losing him to addiction.

One of the emotions I have always struggled with is the shame. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and when they happened, I would always try to explain, excuse, and then use super human strength to rectify my wrongs. I could not bear the thought of people thinking poorly of me for being irresponsible and not getting things done. Being the black sheep of a highly functioning family, It is a struggle I have lived with forever.

In this episode, I discuss a mistake I recently made, the shame it brought me, and how I was able to help me accept and my human imperfection and give myself grace to move forward.

We don't have to lose a child to face the harsh consequences of the need to be perfect but sometimes it takes something like this to remind us that we are here to connect and to love, not to convince the world that we live a perfect life.

Running was an activity I could always count on before Sam died. For nearly 40 years, I had run through anxiety, depression, stress, and most other difficult times. It had always provided me with solace, energy, adventure, and a clear mind.

After Sam died, I could not run. I would have expected it to be something that would help me and instead, I was terrified of it. Starting over, the heavy breathing, the facing of life on the trail. All of it. I could not do it.

A few weeks ago, however, I decided to start again. In this episode, I discuss why and how I have begun the process of starting over again, 3 benefits I have received in 2 short weeks, and 3 suggestions for starting back up with a passion, hobby, interest, or sport after losing a son or daughter.

Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent will ever go through and navigating it as a couple most certainly places tremendous strain on a relationship. I have been divorced for many years and was not in a relationship when Sam died.

In this episode, I discuss some of the potential benefits and drawbacks in dealing with Sam's death without a partner and why being alone during this time, (while sounding lonely and frightening), has worked for me.

When we lose a child, we are confronted with how dark and tragic life can become in one moment of time, because we have lived through it. The rest of the world knows this too, intellectually, but now that we have gone through the worst, it's hard to trust life again. The fear of another phone call or knock on the door can be stifling.

It's important to acknowledge and manage our fear of what lies ahead and also stand strong in our resilience at the same time and that is what today's episode is about.

In this Episode I discuss why it's important to indentify our triggers, the really simple way to do so, and how to use this knowledge to help us in our grief.

When we acknowledge that our triggers are very potent and continuously have to be monitored as we heal, we can tap into the power of calling them out as we grow stronger over time.

Thanks for listening.

This past week was a tough one for me. Mother's Day, Sam's 26th birthday, and the 2 1/2 year anniversary of his death.

Unfortunately, we can't reset the clock when we lose a son or daughter. We can't change the dates or the circumstances, and we can't avoid dealing with difficult reminders such as birthdays, the date of their death, and other celebrations such as Mother's and Father's day.

In this episode, I discuss my feelings about the week, my gratitude for Mother's Day, and how I unconsciously tried to avoid thinking about the things that were bothering me until I was forced to, if only to release this episode.

Thanks for listening.