Sam's death has changed my perspective on every other aspect of my life. With the exception of any significant problems my 3 living children may be dealing with, issues that used to seem big to me now seem almost meaningless.

Things I used to care about barely make me flinch anymore. And, if I find myself getting too immersed in something, I often realize that when it comes down to it, I just don't care as much as I thought I did.

I have evolved in my grief to find happiness and a new richness in my life but in truth, my grief hasn't softened or lightened. Not in the least. In reality, it has only become more manageable.

Watching other Parent's grieve a lost child is even more painful after losing my own. This episode is a reflection of the beginning and also a discussion of what helped me in the beginning and an acknowledgement of how my own life has changed.

Unfortunately, I had some recording errors and had to republish this episode, no intro on this one! Thank you for listening.

I have found that I haven't known what is going to help me move forward in my grief until it does. Much of my healing comes in retrospect: This worked, that didn't, and so on.

Six months before Sam died, he broke into my home by smashing out one of my windows and crawling through. I put a piece of styrofoam in that window and kept it that way for nearly 4 years. Something held me back from fixing it. I chided myself for being lazy and procrastinating, but I just wasn't ready.

This past week, I finally had it replaced and I learned more about what was holding me back and how fixing it is helping me move forward.

I don't intend to let go of any part of Sam's story, every single moment was part of his experience. However, I now understand how I am able let some of my darkest moments become smaller by taking steps forward in my own life.💕

Today's Episode is about gratitude because I think it is the defining emotion of my healing. Finding gratitude outside of our grief helps us to and shift our mind into a different perspective.

I will NEVER feel gratitude about the death of my son but I will ALWAYS seek to find it in other areas of my life and let it help lift me out of despair.

Today, I will go over a few of the well known benefits to feeling grateful, briefly discuss why these benefits occur, some simple ways to tap into the emotion of gratitude, and I will also give my own perspective as to why gratitude is so powerful in moving forward in life.💕

After taking a couple of months off podcasting, I have realized that I am at a critical junction in healing from Sam's death. I now want to focus more on healing and what I learned from Sam's life than the tragedy of his death.

This is a huge mountain to climb but after more than 3 years in grief, it's clear to me that when we lose a son or daughter, it's easy to get locked in on a life gone too soon and sometimes, the joy they brought us can get lost in our grief. This has been my experience and I think it is a normal part of this kind of loss but now it is time to take another step forward and that is what today's episode is about.💕

Sam's body was discovered on November 13th, 2022, and his funeral was on the 20th. The anniversary of losing a child never gets easier. The trauma lives in our bodies.

In today's episode, I share memories and thoughts from that impossible week, my struggle with grieving alone, and my heartfelt decision to bring a 4-legged companion back into my life.

The triggers and grief of losing a child are profound, relentless, and never ending. When I lost my beautiful standard pup Luna 14 months ago, I felt the bottom drop out of my world again. She had been my constant companion and support, she was even by my side at Sam's funeral.

I am grateful that I have taken an enormous step toward healing by allowing myself to love another dog. 💕

As I struggle with the upcoming 3rd anniversary of Sam's death, I am trying to stay grounded by remembering how difficult the end of his life was. The only time I ever felt "safe" from potential bad news was when I was out of cell phone reception. It felt normal at the time but it was far from it.

Sam didn't leave a good life behind, he left pain, suffering, anxiety, and a crippling addiction that he could not see his way out of. He had given up. As his mom, even in my deepest grief, I can't wish he were back in such agony.

Sometimes it's important to be realistic. I lost a wonderful son who had become incapacitated by the same drugs that are causing a worldwide epidemic.

The anniversary of losing a child is so much more than just a date. It involves too much familiarity with everything about the season, recognizing the before and after, and the vulnerability of life. One minute our children were here, the next they were gone. Often, as time goes on, we learn to partially escape the excruciating daily pain with the changes of seasons and activities, but only until our season comes back around. And it always does.

This episode is about dealing with the upcoming 3rd anniversary of Sam's death. My thoughts, feelings, and how I am trying to support myself through this time of year.