Sam's death has changed my perspective on every other aspect of my life. With the exception of any significant problems my 3 living children may be dealing with, issues that used to seem big to me now seem almost meaningless.

Things I used to care about barely make me flinch anymore. And, if I find myself getting too immersed in something, I often realize that when it comes down to it, I just don't care as much as I thought I did.

I have evolved in my grief to find happiness and a new richness in my life but in truth, my grief hasn't softened or lightened. Not in the least. In reality, it has only become more manageable.

Watching other Parent's grieve a lost child is even more painful after losing my own. This episode is a reflection of the beginning and also a discussion of what helped me in the beginning and an acknowledgement of how my own life has changed.

Unfortunately, I had some recording errors and had to republish this episode, no intro on this one! Thank you for listening.

I have found that I haven't known what is going to help me move forward in my grief until it does. Much of my healing comes in retrospect: This worked, that didn't, and so on.

Six months before Sam died, he broke into my home by smashing out one of my windows and crawling through. I put a piece of styrofoam in that window and kept it that way for nearly 4 years. Something held me back from fixing it. I chided myself for being lazy and procrastinating, but I just wasn't ready.

This past week, I finally had it replaced and I learned more about what was holding me back and how fixing it is helping me move forward.

I don't intend to let go of any part of Sam's story, every single moment was part of his experience. However, I now understand how I am able let some of my darkest moments become smaller by taking steps forward in my own life.💕