As I struggle with the upcoming 3rd anniversary of Sam's death, I am trying to stay grounded by remembering how difficult the end of his life was. The only time I ever felt "safe" from potential bad news was when I was out of cell phone reception. It felt normal at the time but it was far from it.

Sam didn't leave a good life behind, he left pain, suffering, anxiety, and a crippling addiction that he could not see his way out of. He had given up. As his mom, even in my deepest grief, I can't wish he were back in such agony.

Sometimes it's important to be realistic. I lost a wonderful son who had become incapacitated by the same drugs that are causing a worldwide epidemic.

The anniversary of losing a child is so much more than just a date. It involves too much familiarity with everything about the season, recognizing the before and after, and the vulnerability of life. One minute our children were here, the next they were gone. Often, as time goes on, we learn to partially escape the excruciating daily pain with the changes of seasons and activities, but only until our season comes back around. And it always does.

This episode is about dealing with the upcoming 3rd anniversary of Sam's death. My thoughts, feelings, and how I am trying to support myself through this time of year.

I am just crawling back out of one of my darkest times. We are nearing the 3rd anniversary of Sam's death and my heart felt unbearably heavy and sad. It felt like it was almost time to give up and succumb to a loss I cannot change. To lie in bed and ruminate my days away again. But, then I realized that while I can't bring Sam back, it will always be up to me to find my way back into the light. I think this is true in all areas of life. Ultimately, we have to learn to depend on ourselves.

It's easy to get stuck in the rut of pain because we are creatures of habit and tend to fall back into the same grooves every day. If we take in the same ideas and allow ourselves to become stale in our daily activities, we stay stuck. Our brain cannot override what our body and mind are succumbing to.

To effect change and move forward, we have to be willing to change our forcus and behavior, even in the smallest ways. It starts with the content we allow into our lives and how we choose to spend our time. Same in, same out. If we want different outcomes, we need to plant new seeds.❤️

In today's episode, I discuss my decision to feel better after falling back into a dark and oppressive state of mind and the steps I took to do so.