These four pieces of real advice printed for women who out-earn their husbands, including leaving the house without your wallet so he gets a turn at being the provider, blew my mind. Then I had a conversation with Prue who got up super early to walk the dogs and unstack the dishwasher, while Mr Prue slept soundly. This week, why capable women keep themselves small, what it is costing, and the question underneath all of it....

This is how it started...

A research team went through ninety four newspaper and magazine articles written about women who earn more than their husbands, and pulled out what those articles told the women to do. Let him pay the bill at the restaurant. Leave the house without your wallet or your keys so he gets the opportunity to be the provider. Let him cover one particular family expense so there is a sense of purpose attached to his money. Play down your income and your success.

Somebody was paid to write that. An editor decided it was reasonable. Some of it was published recently.

Look at those four instructions together and they are all the same instruction. Make yourself smaller so you can stay where you are.

That is what this episode is about. Not whether you can earn more than your partner, because clearly you can. What it costs you to be seen doing it, and the groups you are trying not to fall out of while you do.

We talk about the marriage, the family you came from, the friends you have had for twenty five years, and the biggest group of all, which is the terms and conditions of being a woman with money in this country.

There is a section for those of you who now earn more than your father ever did, because nobody tells you that this contains a loss as well as an achievement.

Then there is Prue, who is made up like a mosaic of my favorite women in this situation. She runs a four million dollar cleaning business while unstacking the dishwasher at seven in the morning. She turned down two million dollars of work she was perfectly capable of doing. .

I will be upfront that I do not have this fully solved. I have got a long way into it and I have got one thing I want you to do about it this week.

What I want you to take away: protection is not a number. It never was. It is somebody's capacity to hold you, and that has nothing to do with what they earn.