You went to couples counseling to fix things. You sat on the couch, you did the homework, maybe for years, and now you feel worse than when you started. On top of that, you’re more convinced than ever that you’re the problem. You’re not, and your marriage might not be doomed either. You may just need a different approach.

In this episode I talk about why traditional couples counseling so often leaves people depleted instead of connected. You walk in and complain about each other with the other person sitting right there, you argue in front of an expert, and every session starts with what’s wrong. I share my garden analogy: you can’t get a flower garden by pulling weeds forever, you have to plant flowers. Then I walk you through what I do with clients instead: getting regulated first, learning to deal with your own emotions, getting clear on your needs and your partner’s needs, seeing each other as whole, messy people, and separating what you’re responsible for from what they’re responsible for.

I also share my own entry point into coaching. I hired a marriage coach who never talked to my husband once, she’s never even met him, and we fixed what was going on in my marriage. My husband is still the same person. What changed was me: I learned to regulate, to deal with my own emotions, and to show up as his partner with boundaries in place. It didn’t just fix my marriage, it changed how I showed up with my kids, my dad and my friends too.

Key Takeaways:

Couples counseling often starts from blame, which keeps you both defensive and wounds instead of connects.

You can’t fix a relationship from depletion. If all you do is pull weeds, all you’ll ever see is weeds.

You can’t ask for what you want when you’re dysregulated, so regulation comes first.

No one person can meet all your needs, not your husband and not your wife.

You’re responsible for what you think, feel and do, and so is your partner.

Whether you stay or go, this is the foundation you make that decision from.

If you’ve tried couples counseling and it isn’t working, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. The next best step is booking a discovery call. We’ll walk through what working side by side with me could look like for you and your relationship. And if you want more of this in your ears, my Stop Overthinking class runs every week.

Links referenced in this episode:

https://amandahess.ca/bookacall

https://amandahess.ca/overthink