"Have you ever threatened to shoot your boss's penis off?"

This week’s most romantic movie is... 9 to 5. This film has everything: misdemeanor corpse debates, Token Debbie's, And garage-door air jail. If you love Xerox husband weaving, corporate snitch travel programs, and falsie-powered percussion, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas

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“You cannot tell if someone is fuckable just by elbow pads.”

This week’s most romantic movie is... Only You. This film has everything: bat-prescribed Pixy Stix diets, transatlantic gondola voyages, And Billy Zane head-shape science. If you love Ouija board phone directories, poker-night sandwich strikes, and HIPAA-free hotel clerks, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: 9 to 5

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“We all fucked each other and now it's weird.”

This week’s most romantic movie is... Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. This film has everything: infant smoky-eye glam, municipal ordinance heists, And Florence Pugh parking-garage fanfiction. If you love garbage-disposal courtship rituals, crab-issued death threats, and demon-related insurance denials, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Only You (1994)

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“We fed it buttons until it shit a suit.”

This week’s most romantic movie is... Once Bitten. This film has everything: A toothy debriefing, first-class Red Vines, And LaCroix-dusted vampires. If you love chandelier-store lion walks, presidential pardons for Free Lance, and wicker-husband splinter anxiety, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)

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“I don't know if she can actually play cello, but I do believe she had sex with it.”

This week’s most romantic movie is... The Witches of Eastwick. This film has everything: giant-dick OSHA protocols, Scooby-Doo fertility instincts, And splash-zone sermons. If you love wardrobe-dependent music education, Dianetics snake affirmations, and legally compliant seagull puppetry, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Once Bitten (1985)

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“My mother's maiden name is LeBaron, and when my friend found that out, he called me Chrysler for three years.”

This week’s most romantic movie is... Mrs. Winterbourne. This film has everything: stallion-mouth self-help, Shredder-style childbirth, And Catholic tits-and-ass rulings. If you love mandatory bad Boston accents, murder-scene Better Cheddars, and family-wide Spartacus defenses, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

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“He can't have a dick made of magic and money.”

This week’s most romantic movie is... The Rocketeer. This film has everything: Handsaw helmet engineering, jetpack chicken nuggets, And Timothy Dolphin sponsorship drives. If you love dog-shaped airstrip diners, accidental aviation hyperfixations, and smuggled Nazi cartoons, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Mrs. Winterbourne (1996)

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“If you think teeth are bad on nursing, try a beak.”

This week’s most romantic movie is... Rock a Doodle. This film has everything: Lisa Frank vomit spells, TARDIS rooster helicopters, And gay-owl organ recitals. If you love no-birds penguin dress codes, Left Shark starfish Snuggies, and OnlyFeathers side hustles, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: The Rocketeer

YOU DRAW A ROOSTER RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

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