Back in the flying pizza van, unknown hero agent guy is bleedingout and Jonathon is like “better go to a hospital” and the dying man is like “nope,don’t you know better than to trust the government”

And mike is like “but you are the government” and he’s like “exactly!here’s a pen write this down, A C A B” then he dies.

Over in another part of the endless dessert stands a door.And our white rabbit, Owens leads eleven down the rabbit hole to face thejabberwocky aka papa aka Brenner, the true villain behind all the bad thingsthat have ever happened in this show and possibly real life.

She sees him and is like “nope” but too bad because theystab her neck with a sleepy needle.

Over in Russia, Hopper is getting beaten up like a SteveHarrington and then he beats up Ezno and all the prisoners are like ACAB excepthopper is a bastard cop too so he doesn’t kill his new friend.

Eddie eats SpaghettiOs out of the pan and needs a six pack,Max draws pictures. Dustin insults the drawings and pisses of Ted Wheeler and Steveand anyone else he can… just you know… for fun.

Eleven wakes up with a shaved head in her bare bedroom/prisonat the lab but that’s okay because Hermie the elf is here to guide her throughher mental nightmare loop that she’s trapped in like her mom.

The voice of Brenner also helps focus her on remembering thetorture and trauma that he put her through. Nice dude, real nice.

The boys in cali bury a body and Argyle wants to put up a neonsign that says look at the crime we are committing and even Jonathon is gettingtired of his stupidity. Lovable pothead? Even his best friend that you guys arewriting for him doesn’t like him. Kill Argyle and leave us Eddie.

Hopper is a bastard cop who is also a white male who criesand blames himself for all the things that are his fault, as both of the thingshe is, often do. (joking, it’s actually sad I know)

The government tells Uncle Wayne he has to leave his trailerwhere his missing nephew murdered a cheerleader while he was at work becausehis ceiling is leaking evil and this exhausted man literally just sighs andstarts packing… give the Munson’s a break.

Crissy’s mom is the biggest hypocrite bitch on earth talkingabout the monster that hurt her daughter and it’s like calm your ass JoyceWallace pt 2 (cruel summer) you traumatized her with an eating disorder andcaused some of this and are currently causing more problems by fueling Jason’smurderous rage against someone you don’t even know

So the real cult is on the hunt again for the cult they madeup in their brainwashed but otherwise empty heads.

Murray confesses to beating up minors for fun and hijacks aplane that he then crashes, good job bro…

Eddie rows his boat fiercely to sounds of screams. Patrickis pretzeled and okay like we don’t know him though.

Eleven goes through more bullshit and pretty much dies andgets shocked back to life and instantly smacks the shit out of Brenner’s evilface and it’s pretty awesome to see. But she’s getting some powers back and ofcourse the only way to save everyone is to retraumatize the most innocent lambof a girl, so she relents for now and if anyone can’t see what a wonderful pureheart this girl has… I will find you and I will… well anyway it’s all getting darkerand more scary for example: there are spiders in Steve’s hair nest and Dustinis quoting Sherlock, Jonathon calls a computer and Will SINGS… next stop thescariest state of all… Utah! YIKES!

Okay back to Stranger Things

In this episode we come back to California where some people are telling Mike “trust us with your girlfriend, we’re the government” and his head explodes.

But instead of leading with the note *FROM* El confirming these are indeed the “good” guys, they just mention Dr. Owens… eh.

Also, El throwing shade with that *FROM*. And also FROM is a good show, watch it.

El’s the best character in this episode and she’s not even in it.

In Hawkins Max is diagnosing herself with “death” via “psychic torment” and gives herself about seventeen hours to live.

Lucas has come around just in time to get murdered by Steve with a lamp in the school hallway.

The next morning Max decides to write all day while trying to ignore everyone so... she has turned into… me?

Nancy forges some documents to be alone with Robin again and Robin is like, “You like Tom Cruise, who looks like Steve” (NAH…) and Nancy is like “Girl that’s old, I like someone else now and it’s not you, seriously, I am so agitated whenever you talk or breathe or smile… sigh… what was I saying?”

In Alaska, Murray and Joyce get a hotel and there ARE two beds. He says one year old babies are idiots and it’s kind of hilarious. Then they go give a stranger $40,000 and drink the drink he offers them.

ARE Y’ALL NEW HERE? And by “here” I mean, on EARTH!

Joyce, you’re naïve in a sweet, wholesome way. You’re excused. BUT MURRAY “DON’T ENTER MY HOME WITHOUT PROPER I.D.” Bauman… I expected better, you’re stupider than a one-year-old.

Hopper and Enzo are in the Russian playground and Enzo is like “Hopper and Joyce, sitting in a tree…”

Hopper is like “she’s NOT my girlfriend!” and Ezno is like “right, she risks her life for you because of ‘friendship’”

And Hopper says, “not just friends… BEST friends” and Will drops in from a helicopter and shoots him. (mentally)

In California Jonathon is annoyed that the government agents are lazy and gets an idea. Will and Mike discuss their friendship. Mike is like “we are a team” and Will is like “this means a normal heterosexual amount to me.”

Jonathon comes in and says he has a plan to order pizza from a talking pot plant.

Max hands out gift cards in the event of her death. Vecna does some laundry and Robin loses her shit because of a pink shirt and a bra.

Somehow being crazy works in Robin’s favor for once (or like always?) and they get to talk to Freddie Krueger in the Hannibal Lector basement of the insane asylum.

Hopper does a quick little marvel movie and then eats peanut butter with his fingers.

Joyce and Murray pass out and get kidnapped while Yuri calls Enzo to rub it in his face that they all got played. Everyone in snowy areas gets captured.

All the boys in California get shot at and escape via a flying pizza van driven by Cheech and somehow also Chong.

Robin and Nancy learn about the *POWER OF MUSIC* (for real)

And Victor tells them about a haunting the 50s that killed his family. But they too get caught for lying and then run out of there Cinderella style leaving all their shoes behind.

Max goes to the cemetery to apologize to her abuser for his death that he got himself into (sort of)… and honestly I can’t even make jokes, these parts are epic.

Max is put under a trance and talks to her brother who is dead (and/or in Australia filming this) But it’s actually Vecna and he chases her into his own mind where she almost dies by floating.BUT Kate Bush and the power of friendship save her (and it’s not even cheesy)

and that was quite the episode.

So we’re back again pretty soon. Yay me for being productive.

Boo this guy who stops by the home of Dr. Owens to show him some pictures of Chrissy and Owens is like so you’re just going to let the local police think that poor metal head kid did this?

And Sullivan is like I think it was a girl our government traumatized, we’re clearly the good guys and Owens is like we shouldn’t have ever taken this land from indigenous people…

Over in California, Angela is still crying boo hoo FAFO

Jonathon lets the talking bong drive and they discuss how roller-skates are made.

They get home find that Joyce has taken a wife, and his name is Murray and he made risotto…

Joyce tells them she has to leave and Jonathon is like leave where? where are we?

Mike says “sitting across the table from a monster” and El is like “last straw hair boy” and Will is like “I can’t even defend him about this”

Lucas finds Jason loading guns and sharpening knives and saying “I just want to talk to him” over and over.

Eddie shovels cereal in his mouth and wants the bad news first, always… ☹

Sirens cause him to pull an ostrich and shove his head under a tarp while the others go and find Nancy and she tells them the plot to nightmare on elm street but they tell her the plot to this season. Steve wants her again for no discernible reason except for he peaked in high school and she was that peak.

She wants to go to the library and Robin has to go with her to be scowled at because Robin is poor… (literally that’s the source of this)But good thing because Robin finds out that bigfoot might be real and Victor is innocent and this is not Venca’s first rodeo.

Mike is good at words for the first time ever but just for a second, but then Eleven says she’s different and he’s like “I know what you’re going through” and she’s like “excuse me white middle class male in the 80s, who lives in suburbia… I was ripped from my mother’s womb and grown in a test tube and trained to be an assassin, I assure you, you do not.”

Also, she keeps saying “From” and he’s like J.J. Abrams and Harold Parrineau? that show is awesome. The cops find out that a teenage girl stood up for herself so she is promptly arrested.

On a plane Murray tells Joyce her kids are on drugs and she braces for takeoff.

In Russia Hopper is beaten by his new friend and gives someone bread to break his leg.

Venca gets into the minds of Hawkins teens and punches them in the back of the head with his mind or something. And Jason finds Corroded Coffin sans Eddie and hits them in the front and Lucas is like “I just wanted to play basketball now I’m in two cults”

Eleven is questioned by the police who ask if she wanted to kill Angela and she’s like “she’s not the only one, I want to kill so many people including both of you” and I’m like “she’s literally allowed”

Max steals some keys to break into the school and I’m like “she’s also literally allowed”

Jason is after Dustin now and this finally wakes Lucas up and makes him realize he’s been riding around with the dark side. So he makes me proud and leads the douchebags in the wrong direction, and promptly gets the freak out of there.

Eleven is taken away and then hijacked and then kidnapped by Owens who takes her to a diner and says “if you relive your entire childhood trauma I will buy you waffles” and she’s like “Eggos?” and he’s like “no” and she says “I’m a monster, I think I’ve killed a lot of people” and he’s like “No one cares, you're literally the best, most innocent character of all of fiction now and in the past and future, you're an angel” Well he didn't but he was thinking it, along with everyone else

Max finds out her “headaches” and “nightmares” are caused by an ancient monster terrorizing her with a grandfather clock. Roll credits.