Siblings, Roles, and Therapy: Connection, Conflict, and the “Pie” of Attention

Philippa and Julie explore sibling relationships through personal experiences and clinical work, discussing how children take on roles (e.g., “good child,” eldest organiser, protector) and how grief and major life events can reshape sibling bonds. They reflect on how siblings can remember the same childhood events very differently, how play and shared memories can build belonging, and how conflict may reflect developmental negotiation or unmet needs—especially for children affected by trauma, neglect, or instability. They consider “trauma bonds,” parentification, jealousy and competition for attention using the “pie” metaphor, and the complex decisions around separating siblings in foster care/adoption. The episode also covers ways therapists assess and work with siblings (separately, together, and via family tasks like drawing), funding constraints, confidentiality, and using therapy to support felt safety and healthier family dynamics.

00:00 Exploring Family Ties: Childhood, Therapy, and Sibling Bonds, With Philippa and Julie
00:00 Sibling Roles and Memories
15:37 Therapy Siblings and Trauma Bonds
34:17 Only Child Parents And Sibling Conflict
37:24 Therapy Plans MIM And Sibling Work

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Philippa Kelly speaks with Sarah Dillon, consultant psychotherapist and head of therapeutic services for True Fostering and Safer Fostering, about how her own childhood in and out of foster care shapes her child-centered, trauma-informed work. Sarah explains why children react strongly to birth family contact, how sibling conflict can stem from trauma bonds, unmet needs, shame, and difficulty holding dual attachments, and how caregivers can use empathy, visuals (like her “pie” analogy), and consistent “PACE” narratives to keep relationships intact. She outlines her agencies’ proactive approach, including the Trauma Tracker tool and life story work, and describes compassion fatigue (including “blocked care”), how to spot it, and ways to support carers. They also discuss transitions, visual timetables, linking cause and effect without punitive consequences, and Sarah’s new children’s book, “Inside Big Me Lives a Little Me.”

Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma - https://www.coect.co.uk/about-us

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Julie welcomes clinical psychologist and Theraplay practitioner Joanna Blundell Jones, who works at Sheffield Children’s Hospital in paediatric oncology/haematology and supports patients across their cancer experiences, often especially during and after treatment, with flexibility around timing and session numbers. Joanna shares how play shows up in her own life (gospel choir, board games), how during treatment therapeutic work sometimes focuses on containment and helping families “get through,” and how after treatment she uses Theraplay to rebuild connection, especially when medical procedures and necessary restraint have affected children’s comfort with touch and closeness. They discuss the distinct role that hospital play specialists have in supporting children’s wellbeing with play opportunities whilst they are inpatients, procedure preparation and distraction.

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Philippa and Julie continue their conversation on resistance, focusing on the adults around a child—parents, carers, and professionals—and how “putting the brakes on” can be protective, necessary, or linked to safeguarding concerns like hidden compliance. They explore how mandated therapy, ongoing assessments, shame, fear of judgment, and the realities of trauma-informed parenting can fuel pushback, and share examples from TheraPlay and play therapy, including parents declining therapy after gaining clarity and parents feeling pain when a child engages more easily with the therapist. The episode also looks at systemic resistance in schools, CAMHS pathways, and processes like EHCPs, and how practitioners often spend as much time navigating systems and relationships as working in the room. They end by emphasising curiosity, validation, and respectful challenge—placing the “gritty” issue in the middle so adults can work together—then invite listeners to subscribe, comment, and follow the podcast.

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Philippa interviews Marneta Viegas, founder of Relax Kids, which began 25 years ago as the UK’s first company offering children’s relaxation and mental health tools. Marneta shares her performing arts background, years as a children’s entertainer and mime performer, and how she noticed children increasingly struggled to sit still, listen, and concentrate. A breakthrough came when she introduced visualisation at parties and began transforming fairy stories into meditations, leading to her first book and later books and audio resources. She describes the Relax Kids seven-step method—move, play, stretch, feel, breathe, believe, relax—developed through classes in homes, schools, and community settings, later linked to the chakra system. Growth accelerated through coach training, media coverage, and a Dragons’ Den appearance that drove major sales, with reported impact in schools, including reduced exclusions.

Website: https://relaxkids.com/

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Philippa and Julie introduce the first episode in a two-part series on resistance, focusing here on children and young people in therapy (with a follow-up episode planned on resistance from parents, carers, and other professionals). Drawing on their different approaches—TheraPlay (more adult-led) and child-centred play therapy (more child-led)—they explore what resistance can look like: refusing or tweaking an activity, avoiding certain play areas, repeated toilet breaks, zoning out, overly compliant behaviour, or constant chatter. They discuss how resistance can trigger therapist feelings of hurt, rejection, or self-doubt, especially early in training, and how experience and supervision help reframe it. A key theme is distinguishing resistance (a workable growth edge) from distress/terror (a signal to stop and back off), and responding based on what the behaviour means for that specific child (including children who take control to stay safe versus those finding their voice). They share examples from practice—including a young person who began therapy hiding under a table—and connect resistance to children’s histories of disrupted relationships, uncertainty, and fear of loss. The episode closes with the message that resistance is not failure but valuable information, inviting curiosity about what the child is communicating and how adults can scaffold safety, connection, and change.

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In this episode of Pondering Play and Therapy, Philippa talks with Katie Wrench, a social worker, psychotherapist, head of service at BUSS, and an author. Katie discusses therapeutic life story work, explaining its importance for children who have experienced disruption, particularly those in foster care or adoption. She emphasises the need to help children develop a coherent narrative of their journey, integrating their fragmented memories to understand their identity and relationships better. Katie also addresses the role of social workers and caregivers, the challenges of involving children in life story work, and the importance of maintaining memory boxes and emotional regulation. She further elaborates on the intersection between life story work and sensory systems in therapy. Katie's insights highlight the impact of memories and storytelling on children's development and the critical role of caregivers in this process.

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In this episode of 'Pondering Play and Therapy,' host Philippa welcomes Oliver, a trainee clinical psychologist. They discuss the extensive and multifaceted training path for clinical psychologists in the UK, which includes clinical placements, research, and academic work. Oliver explains the importance of evidence-based practice, the variety of therapeutic approaches like CBT, DBT, and CFT, and the practical challenges faced during training. He shares his diverse experiences working in acute and urgent care, CAMHS, and other settings. The conversation also highlights the competitive nature of gaining entry to doctoral programs and the ongoing efforts to diversify the field of clinical psychology.

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