The Proverbs encourage us to speak in certain ways, and to avoid speaking in other ways. Let’s frame four prayers from the book of Proverbs, asking for God’s help with our words.

Lord, help me to speak with restraint
The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things (15:28).

Words pour out of the mouth of the wicked, but the heart of the righteous ponders how to answer. Self-expression is a leading idol in our culture. “I must say what I think. I must say what I feel!” Must you? “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back” (29:11).

Lord, help me to speak with humility
Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips (27:2).

Lord, help me to speak with wisdom
To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is! (15:23). What you say may be right, but if the way you say it is harsh, it will do no good. The right word spoken at the right time in the right way is a thing of great beauty.

Lord, help me to speak with grace
Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body (16:24). Don’t ever fall for the idea that soft, gentle, or gracious means weak. “With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone” (25:15).

Try to take this in: A soft tongue, a gentle tongue, a gracious tongue, is stronger than bone! Grace can change a heart of stone. How did God change your heart? Was it not His grace that won you? Was it not His kindness that led you to repentance (Rom. 2:4)?

Lord, help us speak with restraint, humility, wisdom, and grace.

Which of these prayers would be most helpful to you today?

What you say comes out of you, but it also goes down inside you. It goes to the stomach (18:20). Your own cursing will go deep down into your own soul. They are bitter fruits, and they will make your soul sick. You will eat your own words.

The tongue is the means by which we bring great help or harm to others and to ourselves. Speaking life words or death words will have a profound effect on others, but it will also have a profound effect on you.

We all eat our own words, and what we eat will either be sweet or bitter. What brings help to others will bring help to us. What brings harm to others will bring harm to us.

Consider this: “On the day of judgement people will give account for every careless word they speak” (Mat. 12:36). God will hold us accountable not only for what we did but also for what we said. Freedom of speech is a wonderful gift and an awesome responsibility. One day, we will have to give an account for every careless word that has come from our lips.

God hears and knows every word that you have ever spoken (Ps. 139:4). He knows every word you say in private, and every word you write online is known and weighed by Almighty God.

God holds us accountable not only for what we do but also for what we say, and when you see this, you will know how much you need a Saviour.

When have your words to others tasted sweet to you? When have your words to others tasted bitter down into your soul?

We have looked at the way of wisdom in relation to friends and family, and today we come to wisdom in our words. There are more proverbs on what we say than on any other subject. The tongue is the means by which we bring the greatest help or harm to others.

There is death in the power of the tongue
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts (12:18). The tongue is a weapon that can wound another person deeply. If you carry a weapon that can wound, you have to carry it with great care. Words that burst out can bring deep wounds. You may have felt the power of this: “You’ll never amount to anything.” Death is in the power of the tongue.

There is also life in the power of the tongue
The tongue of the wise brings healing (12:18). Christian counsellor Larry Crabb says that as a youngster, he developed a humiliating problem with stuttering. One Sunday Larry found the courage to lead a public prayer for the first time.

“Stuttering throughout, I finally thought of the word Amen… said it and sat down… solemnly vowing never again to pray or speak aloud in front of a group.

“When the service was over I darted for the door… An older Christian man named Jim Dunbar intercepted me… ‘Larry,’ he said… ‘Whatever you do for the Lord, I’m behind you one thousand percent.’

“Even as I write these words, my eyes fill with tears… Those words were life words. They had power. They reached deep into my being. My resolve never again to speak in public weakened instantly.”

Can you think of a time when someone’s words brought healing to you? Look for opportunities to bring life to others through your words.

The only commands that are life-giving are the words and commands of God. But here is a father who has made God’s words his own: “My teaching. My words. My commandments.” What he commends to his son is what he pursues himself. That is the power of example.

If you are a parent, a great motivation for living a godly life is to give your children a credible example to follow. “God’s words are the words I believe. God’s way is the way that I follow.”

How are you going to do that? The way to walk in obedience is to walk by faith. A life-giving relationship with God is based on trust. Solomon says, to his son, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding” (3:5).

You can’t say that to your children unless you are doing it yourself. So, trust in the Lord with all your heart, especially when it comes to your children!

Scottish pastor William Still never had the joy of being a father, yet he gave this wise counsel to parents: Bring your children up in faith, not fear. Trust God with your children. You fear what sin can do to them. Trust what God can do in them. You fear the pressure of school, media, and culture. Trust what God can do through His Spirit and His Word.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Give your children reason to think, “My father and mother trust God, even when it comes to me!”

Who can you be an example for in the next generation?

Remember that the Proverbs are not promises. Still, this is a stunning statement: Your influence in the lives of your children goes deeper than you may think. It will still be with them, even when they are old!

The thief on the cross lived his life in rebellion against God, yet he said to the thief on the other side of Jesus: “Do you not fear God?” (Lk. 23:40). Where did that come from? Some awareness of a God to whom we must give account had been planted in his soul.

So, if you have a rebel son or daughter, don’t despair. The living seed of God’s Word has been planted. Who knows what God may yet do with it?

Your children need restraint as well as affirmation. “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him” (Prov. 22:15). Parents who believe that folly is deeply rooted in the human heart will focus, not only on affirmation but also on restraint.

Is the Bible telling us to beat our children with sticks? No! Bible scholar Christopher Wright points to Psalm 23:4: “Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Why would David say that the rod was a comfort to him?

The shepherd used the rod to fend off wild animals. The sheep had the comfort of knowing that they would not be left at the mercy of enemies that would destroy them. You will bring your children great comfort if they know that you will not allow them to follow destructive impulses.

If you have children, ask the Lord to help you bring them up in faith, not in fear. If they are far from God, ask Him to bring them back.

You might be surprised to hear that the largest number of proverbs relating to family life are addressed to parents and to children. Let’s begin with God’s wisdom for children.

Always seek to bring joy to your parents
Honour your father and your mother (Ex. 20:12). The word honour means “give weight to” or “regard as heavy.” So, to honour your parents means to give weight to what they say.

If someone asked you to name the sins on which Romans 1 says the wrath of God will come, would you say “disobedience to parents”? It’s there (1:30). Paul says that in the last days people will be lovers of self and lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, and one of the signs of this is that they will be “disobedient to their parents” (2 Tim. 3:2-4).

Always be willing to learn
A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke (13:1). When you are young, you can easily feel that you know it all. But as you grow older you realise that you don’t know as much as you thought you did.

Solomon says, “Do you see a man who is wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (26:12). Why is there more hope for a fool? Because the fool knows that he needs to learn.

This is why the Bible says, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom” (9:10). Wisdom begins when I see that I don’t have it and I need to receive it from the Lord through His Word.

Recognise that you need to learn, and listen to those God has placed around you, starting with your parents.

How would you rate yourself on a scale of (1) “I have all the wisdom I need” to (10) “I still have plenty to learn”?

Your spouse is a gift from the Lord. These are the words of Solomon to his son Rehoboam, and this wise father commends marriage to his son as a good thing. Marriage is a good gift from the Lord.

We live in a culture that flaunts freedom. “Who wants to be tied down?” The Bible has a very different view of marriage. Solomon says to his son, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” (12:4).

The book of Proverbs ends with a poem in praise of a good wife: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all” (31:29). The wise husband appreciates his wife. He tells her where she excels.

Ray Ortlund points out that when the word “husband” is used as a verb, it means “to cultivate.” When we talk about “husbandry” we are talking about care and cultivation.

If God has trusted you with the gift of a wife, your job as a husband is to create the conditions in which she can flourish. That’s what it means to be a husband. “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25).

Likewise, Solomon speaks of a wife’s responsibility to her husband: “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Prov. 31:11-12).

“Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favour and good success in the sight of God and man” (Prov. 3:3-4).

If you are married, how could you help your spouse flourish?

If you have a good relationship with your brother or sister, cherish it and guard it, because Proverbs reminds us that close relationships are vulnerable to deep wounds that don’t heal easily. “A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city.”

You see this in the Old Testament. The first children born into the world were two boys, Cain and Abel. One was jealous of the other and, in the end, he killed him. Then you have the story of Joseph and his jealous brothers, who sold him into slavery.

And in the New Testament, two brothers came to Jesus because they were quarrelling over an inheritance (Lk. 12:13). We are also told that the family of Jesus—that is, His brothers and sisters—said that He was out of His mind (Mk. 3:21; also see Mk. 6:3).

So, if the jealousy of a brother or sister is a trial in your life, Jesus has been there. He knows what this is like. “A brother offended is more unyielding than a strong city, and quarreling is like the bars of a castle” (Prov. 18:19).

The closer the relationship, the stronger the bars that keep you apart when it has been strained. Here’s why: When a close relationship breaks down, the offended brother will say, “Well, if something that seemed so good proved hollow, what is the point of trying to restore it?”

Close relationships are vulnerable to deep wounds, so handle them with special care. Another proverb says, “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out” (17:14).

If there are “bars of a castle” in your heart right now, ask God to take them down. If they are in your sibling’s heart, ask God to help you do what you can to make things better.