The microphones were already running. Cam looked at me and instead of opening the episode, he asked what was wrong. I had gotten dressed, gotten ready, and did not want to record, and I couldn't tell him why.

We published that conversation instead of the one we planned.

What we found: I wanted to record to keep a streak that did not exist. I invented it. And underneath that was something much older, a compulsion I've had since childhood to get up and help the second I see someone I love working. I could not sit still in a house where Cam was in his office being productive. So I would go into mine and invent tasks. Small ones. Ones that anybody could have done.

Cam's response is the part I keep replaying. He tells me my actual job right now is to be, not to do, and I spend most of the hour quietly arguing with him about it.

In this one:

- The Japanese office rule I was unconsciously following in my own house

- Why he says the days I lie down are the days he gets the most done, and the pattern that made him believe it

- Something about cherry blossoms, and how long they actually bloom

It is not a polished episode. It is a real one, and I cried in it, and we ended it by watching Avatar with popcorn.

For the ongoing version of these conversations, explore The Board: https://www.theboardwalks.com/the-board