As intrepid journalists, dedicated to the crossover between reality dating shows and our cultural ideas about love, sex and dating, we knew what had to be done: We had to watch Chris Harrison’s new show, “The Vow.” A show that is definitely, absolutely, not at all piggybacking off of “The Bachelor.” There are no roses in this show – just references to roses! There’s no Bachelor Mansion – just a large, white-walled house! There are no moody limo entrances – just women in gowns arriving in broad daylight! “The Vow” is a show about faith, family, and Chris Harrison’s personal grudge against a franchise that fired him after doing racism. Buckle up, friends. We’re going undercover into Fox Nation.

After his triumph in episode 8, convincing his fellow players to banish Tomica – their first Traitor – Victor seemed poised to be the Messiah of the Faithfuls. Instead, he immediately loses the room, and, after his histrionics at a high-pressure public murder involving a poisoned chalice, more suspicion is trailing Victor (and Kriste) than Victor’s next chosen target, Joe. Speaking of Joe, he had a surprising amount of time to whip votes against Victor, who spent more time flirting with Katie and eating grapes than smothering his opponent. The only question: who will triumph at the round table next episode?

After a miserable season 11, the reunion of “Love Is Blind” Boston built to a crescendo of toxic masculinity and female suffering. The only marriage from the season, John and Sarah, has fallen apart – and thank God, because we learn during this reunion that John is not only a cheater but was verbally abusive to Sarah. And lest we fear too much accountability for John, his dad and good friend Scott are there to assure us that boys will be boys, and John owns a Bible, so… all good! And there’s more: Blake is still bread-crumbing Erika from the high seas, Aneha and Cam never did work things out, Jax still wears her engagement ring but not in a romantic way, Michaella is pissed with the beekeeper and we never really learn why, and Wilson and Wilnie offer no further clarity on who was the bigger princess in the relationship. Rob, somehow, garners applause for briefly cutting back on drinking. It’s bleak stuff, but at least everyone is single. Was this the dying gasp of MAGA’s short-lived reign over “the vibe”? We can only hope.

We’ve made it to the altar! Or, rather, we’ve made it to the episode of “Love Is Blind” Boston where just two couples make it to the altar. After a season full of bleak relationships, we get a bleak ending! Who can blame Netflix for swapping this season with Ohio? However, there was still a lot to discuss! Like Blake’s total terror that someone might think for even a second that he’s capable of showing emotion regarding his relationship, Wilson and Wilnie’s obvious contempt for each other, Aneha’s very blunt (and sweet) sister, and some final revelations about John that made us raise our eyebrows all the way to the heavens.

After just three episodes of obstreperous and mostly ineffective campaigning, Victor finally – miraculously – convinces the castle to give his Fruitgate theory a try. With the season dangling by a thread, production grants Shane the power of the pardon to rescue Victor from banishment. Victor sweatily stalks Tomica around the castle, creating a very weird and uncomfortable (and arguably unnecessary) situation before mustering all of his powers of persuasion at the round table. Will Joe be next? What options do the Traitors have left?

Rob’s golden-boy edit was too good to last, and this week it came crashing down – along with his relationship with Michaella. It starts at their meetup with his crew of loutish friends, where Rob is more concerned ensuring his friend is overserved to the point of being pickled than he is with supporting Michaella as she fields nonstop sexual comments from his bros. It escalates at the mixer, where his erratic rage – at Michaella and everyone else – is on full display. With the relationship that once seemed the most compatible now (thankfully) over, we’re left with a group of couples who barely like each other. Plus, we tour John’s crusty home, learn about Aneha’s “modern traditional” approach to relationships, and learn that Blake still hasn’t learned how to count forward in time.

There’s one thing we can say for sweaty fruit boy Victor: he stands on his convictions. Though his quest to take down Tomica and Joe has only alienated the castle further, Victor is determined to bring up his fruit-based murder-in-plain-sight theory with every breath he draws. At times his over-the-top accusatory harassment is uncomfortable, but he does have the defense of having the Traitors dead to rights. Victor’s bad social game dooms him at the round table – but will a surprise pardon power give him another chance to see Tomica or Joe banished?

It’s week two of “Love Is Blind” Boston, and the couples are… mostly floundering. In a real twist, Rob and Michaella are quickly emerging as potentially the only good match of the season. Meanwhile, tension is brewing for the rest of the couples. John is out here drinking unpasteurized milk and doing his own research, Blake can’t stop putting his foot in his mouth, Aneha won’t let Cam’s nonexistent ear piercing go, and Wilnie can’t stop needling Wilson about Malaine. But at least Netflix music supervisors have The Mighty Mighty Bosstones on hand to welcome us to Boston!