Is it wrong to want a regular, mutually enjoyable sex life with your spouse? In this team episode we talk honestly about why wanting sex in marriage is a healthy desire, what happens when it’s met with resistance, resentment or cold withdrawal, and what couples can actually do to bring the warmth back.

👉 Book online sessions with Zac or Marijke: https://laurahow.com/online-therapists/

Somewhere along the way our culture became cynical about sex, so asking for it can feel shameful and hearing the request can feel like pressure. We explore why emotional safety and desire are so closely linked, how old hurts quietly freeze a marriage, and why the first place to start is often yourself.

👉 Book a session with Zac: https://laurahow.com/therapists-zac-fine/

👉 Book a session with Marijke: https://laurahow.com/therapists-marijke-roberts/

In this episode, we discuss:

✔️ Why wanting a good sex life with your partner is healthy, not selfish

✔️ How cynicism about sex crept into our culture

✔️ “He just wants to get his end away” — how the request gets misheard

✔️ Sexual maturity, and why it rarely arrives before later life

✔️ Why emotional safety and communication sit underneath desire

✔️ How unresolved arguments affect desire — for men as well as women

✔️ Changing your marriage by changing yourself

✔️ Health, menopause and “not tonight” — where does intimacy end and sex begin?

✔️ Marital sadism, cold rage and harmful withdrawal

✔️ “Emptying the trash” — how to raise old hurts so resentment melts

We record this monthly — we’d love to hear from you.

👉 Leave your questions in the comments for the next episode.

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🔔 Subscribe for monthly conversations about: sexless marriages, intimacy after children, responsive desire, resentment and repair, and what it really takes to keep a marriage alive long-term.

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🧠 Need support? Work with me or one of the therapists on my team: https://laurahow.com/online-therapists/

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💎 More ways to connect and grow:

💠 Therapists — Work with me: https://laurahow.com/work-for-me/

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⌚️ Timestamps:

00:00 Is wanting sex in marriage healthy?

00:58 Sex as sacred, not suspect

02:28 “He just wants to get his end away”

04:04 What we teach kids about sex

04:31 Marijke: 30 years, people-pleasing and resentment

06:04 Why it can take women longer

06:48 Is it different for men? Desire vs disgust

08:35 When your partner won’t talk about it

10:23 “What about my health problems?”

11:43 Marital sadism

12:45 Too ill for a cuddle?

14:09 Laura: the capacity for cruelty, and taking inventory

16:18 Cold rage and harmful withdrawal

17:35 Emptying the trash

19:41 Thanks and goodbye

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