Welcome to What Would Denise Do — aka two gays, six seasons' worth of absolute chaos packed into one hour, and the executive decision to rebrand the entire podcast around "Gay Linda" and a severe vocabulary deficit.

One of us is so smashed by 9:00 PM that a French man named Clementine caused an immediate ADHD spiral, the other is coping with a hangover so violent that looking at a laptop screen is considered a workplace hazard, and Shakira is somewhere out there doing her Waka Waka again like nobody told her the World Cup is in America...

The shit show includes:

• Screaming "Salutations you motherfuckers!" at a table that is moving entirely too close

• Realizing that if you reduce Kerry Katona's Karaoke down to its initials, you're in a bit of a public relations crisis

• Watching Jane McDonald sing Cake by the Ocean at Mighty Hoopla while entering total homosexual nirvana

• Thinking your electrician is arriving on a Monday morning only to realize your flat is spotless for absolutely no reason

• Reforming 90s pop bands based entirely on their historical levels of festival homophobia

• Mistaking a digital handbag for a "digital ham and egg" because we are both starving and slightly orange

• A deep, existential panic about dying at age 72, which is practically next Tuesday

Current status: Highly uneducated, aggressively Northern, spiritually sponsored by "Gay Linda" and a 2-pint glass of gin and tonic.