What this episode is about

There is a script. It runs every time someone asks a question nobody wanted asked. This episode names the architecture — how media framing, community culture, and heritage culture operate in similar ways to protect the powerful and silence the inconvenient. From himpathy to legal language, from Jeffrey Epstein to Lauren Goodger, J'K tracks the pattern and asks who it serves.

In this episode

The script that runs every time an inconvenient question gets asked — and why that's not an accident

Misan Harriman and what happens when inquiry itself becomes the crime

Himpathy — the disproportionate sympathy extended to powerful men at the expense of those they harmed

Russell Brand, Phillip Schofield, Jeffrey Epstein — the column that runs in your mind and what it tells us

Lauren Goodger — she stood in her truth, was told to stay silent, was put on trial by the media, and the man was convicted

Technology-facilitated abuse — what it is, Refuge's 207% surge in referrals, and why survivors reporting online harm are four times more likely to have a negative experience with the police

Not guilty is not the same as innocent — what a verdict does and doesn't reach

The Like Me moment — the quiet, stubborn refusal to let the frame decide what your truth is worth

Headlines don't just appear — and three questions worth asking before you react, share, or decide

Resources

Refuge — UK's largest domestic abuse charity. National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247. Available 24 hours, 7 days a week.

Support organisations for survivors — full list on the Like Me Officially podcast

For listeners outside the UK — please check for support local to you.

About Like Me Officially

Like Me Officially is hosted by J'K Frederick. This is where raw truths meet reflection, exploring self-advocacy, challenging social narratives, and moving beyond surviving into something that actually looks like living.

Connect

Substack: https://jkfrederick.substack.com/s/like-me-podcast

Instagram: @likemeofficially

What is the Survivor Algorithm?

The Survivor Algorithm is a framework for understanding the identity stages many people move through after trauma victim, survivor, and thriver and why moving between them is rarely straightforward. Like a social media algorithm, it runs in the background, based on rules that were installed without your consent. And like any man-made system, it can be rewritten.

What you'll hear in this episode:

Why the victim label arrives through a system not through you and what that does psychologically when it lands years after the experience.

Why 72% of adults who experienced childhood sexual abuse never told anyone at the time, and what delayed disclosure actually looks like from the inside.

The honest case for why people stay in survivor identity, the validation, the belonging, the exhaustion of treading water that has become familiar.

Why the word survivor lands differently for those with lived experience of sexual violence than it does in other contexts and why that matters.

What a somatic flashback is, what triggers it, and why the body stores trauma as sensory fragments rather than as memory.

What allostatic load means and why the exhaustion of chronic stress isn't weakness, it's physiology.

What self-efficacy actually is, and why it's the difference between hoping things get better and having a hand in that.

What Kintsugi has to do with rebuilding after the system fails you.

Questions this episode speaks to:

Why do survivors of sexual abuse stay in survivor identity for so long?

What is the difference between victim and survivor in the context of sexual violence?

Why does the criminal justice system use the word victim?

What is a somatic flashback and what causes it?

How long does it take to report childhood sexual abuse?

What is allostatic load and how does it affect trauma survivors?

How do you move from surviving to thriving after abuse?

Can identity change after trauma?

Themes explored:

The psychology of being named by a system rather than naming yourself. The neuroscience of chronic stress and trauma memory. Label conflict and the word survivor. Delayed disclosure and what the research shows. The benefits and the costs of staying in any one stage. The transition from surviving to thriving. Rebuilding identity on your own terms.

Listening context:

This episode is for anyone who has ever felt stuck between who they were told they are and who they know themselves to be. It doesn't offer instructions. It offers a framework, a question, and a different way of seeing a journey that too many people are making alone.

References:

Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

Bruce Perry, What Happened to You?

Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No

Peter Levine, Waking the Tiger

Kintsugi, Japanese tradition of repair with gold

Episode Summary

What does it mean to be a "voltage spike" in a broken system? In this episode of Like Me Officially, J’K Frederick explores the concept of the "glitch" an intentional disruption of the scripts we are forced to follow. Drawing from literature, history, and personal experience, we dive into why speaking out is an act of disobedience and why your truth doesn't need a system’s signature to be valid.

What’s Inside:

Literary Inspiration: Half of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Depth Psychology: Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Essential Essay: The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action by Audre Lorde

Modern Philosophy: James McCrae – Words Saved My Life

Historical Context: NASA’s John Glenn and the "Voltage Spike"

Episode 16: Revisit EP16: The Pearl in the Oyster

In this opening episode J’K challenges the societal standard of the "survivor" label. Using the biological formation of a pearl and the architectural rebuilding of Nehemiah’s walls as frameworks, she explores why "survivor" is a crucial milestone that should never have been turned into a full stop. This is an invitation to move beyond endurance and into a space of agency, mental clarity, and thriving.Key Themes

The Pearl Metaphor - A pearl is a biological response to a non-consensual breach. It's formed because of the intrusion, not despite it. Your survival strategies are the nacre. What you're building is luminous.

The Etymology of Survivor - Derived from the Latin supervivere ("to live beyond"), the term evolved from a legal context to an act of resistance for Holocaust survivors, and eventually into a clinical standard applied without the same intentionality.

Cleaning Up Aisle Nine -J'K addresses toxic phrasing in the personal development space and firmly rejects the idea that violations are gifts or meant to happen.

The Nehemiah Framework -Healing as rebuilding specific gates: the Valley Gate (facing what was avoided), the Dung Gate (releasing what was never yours to carry), the Broad Wall (building the systems that protect you), the Fountain Gate (renewing the mind).

The Science of Survival Mode - When survival becomes scar tissue: the nervous system stuck in flight (overworking), fight (control), freeze (numbness), or fawn (endless yes).

Collective Post-Traumatic Growth, Individual healing, community connection, and societal transformation. Pain to story. Story to purpose. Purpose to power.

Memorable Quotes

"My name is J'K. Period. My experience is secondary to who I am."

"Survivor was a milestone someone turned into a full stop."

"The nervous system can't be shamed into changing. It can only be offered safety. And curiosity is a form of safety."

"Is the architecture that kept me safe now the very thing keeping me small?"

References

Scripture: Isaiah 40:29 · Isaiah 41:13 · 2 Corinthians 1:4 · Romans 12:2

Dr. Gabor Maté: The Myth of Normal, When the Body Says No

Kintsugi - Japanese art of repairing with gold

Nehemiah - Old Testament framework for rebuilding

Join the Community

What name are you choosing for yourself today? If survivor was a milestone and not a destination, where are you standing right now?

UK Support Directory

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1mVbCZxYHt8ItGJUymJNi_Uk9hIC9Wa6E0n0SFMIvxaM/edit?gid=1230372023#gid=1230372023

Opening reflection Something about the way the 12% is framed, as data, as a metric, as a gap, felt like it was missing the person at the centre of it. This episode is my attempt to put her back there. And to ask what each of us, survivors, supporters, and workplaces, can actually do.

Themes explored in this episode

Theme 1: The dissonance at the heart of the 12% The survivor tax has been described as economic harm, an invisible tax, a long-term income loss. But underneath all the frameworks and metrics is a simpler, harder truth: people are being taxed for surviving someone else's violence. That framing matters. You cannot build a strategy on a framework that positions you as less than you are.

Theme 2: The job share: one move, two and a half days During a court case, managing clinical depression and a full-time role, J'K built a job share from scratch. Researching the scheme, making the case, presenting it to her team leader. It was approved. Two and a half days reclaimed. Not because the system offered it. Because she looked for the lever and pulled it.

Theme 3: What the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 actually gives you The Act legally recognises coercive control, economic abuse, and emotional abuse. Not just physical violence. Your experience has a legal name even if it left no visible mark. Special measures in court, confidential HR enquiries, enforceable workplace policies. These rights exist. This episode names them plainly.

Theme 4: NDAs: a tool used on you, and a tool you can use Since 2023, UK NDAs cannot legally prevent you from reporting abuse to the police, accessing legal advice, or speaking to a medical professional. An NDA that tries to is unenforceable. But a privacy agreement, drafted properly, can also protect you. The femicide figure matters here: one woman every four days is killed by a current or former partner, and at least 40% had left or were trying to. Silence that removes every route to safety is not protection.

Theme 5: The supporter's role: comfort is not enough The moment you know, you are part of the ecosystem. There is no neutral position. This episode is direct about the difference between comfort and action, and what both look like in practice. Including what to do if you don't have the capacity to show up.

Theme 6: The workplace finding that should stop every manager IFS 2026: in female-managed organisations, perpetrators are significantly more likely to be dismissed. In male-managed organisations, the female employee leaves. Same act. Different outcome. Depending entirely on who holds power. The episode names why and what a deliberate choice looks like instead.

Theme 7: The restitution vision: connecting the pipes The UK already has Deduction from Earnings Orders, Pension Sharing Orders, and the Proceeds of Crime Act. Each one created to correct a financial imbalance, because voluntary compliance doesn't work, because unpaid contribution has value, because you cannot keep the profit from harm. The argument in this episode: apply the same logic to the 12% survivor tax. Automatic. Offender-funded. Structural. Organisations like Surviving Economic Abuse have been naming this for years. The question is whether the conversation moves to consequence.

Listening context This episode contains references to domestic abuse, coercive control, court proceedings, economic harm, and the structural consequences of gender-based violence. It's grounded in research, strategy, and lived experience rather than graphic detail, but the subject matter is real and may cause discomfort. Listen with care.

On the 26th of March 2026, the Institute for Fiscal Studies — one of the UK's most respected independent economic research institutions published a report on the economic consequences of gender-based violence. The headline finding: a permanent 12% drop in income for survivors of domestic abuse. Not temporary. Permanent.

In this episode, J'K responds to that report in real time. She connects the number to her own experience on both sides of employment navigating therapy, PTSD, court cases, and the daily performance of being fine. She traces a straight line from a legal doctrine written in 1736 to a report published this week. And she asks the question the data now makes impossible to avoid: who has been paying, and for how long?

KEY TOPICS

— The IFS report published 26th March 2026 and why it matters

— The 12% permanent income drop and what career scarring actually means

— The history of UK law written without women in mind — from 1736 to 2026

— The survivor tax as it falls on anyone surviving the unbearable and still showing up

— The employed experience: return-to-work pressure, mask-switching, and performing fine

— The freelance experience: invisible stress, no safety net, delivering anyway

— The Commitment Gap: why strategies exist but infrastructure does not

— IWD 2026: two themes, eighteen days apart — Give to Gain versus Rights, Justice, Action

— Safe leave, financial discretion, and named accountability in the workplace

— The Flow 60 framework and operating on a 58% deficit

— Dr Maya Angelou on defeat, rising, and knowing your own strength

— Reclaiming the 12%: from surviving the dark night to lighting it up

RESOURCES & REFERENCES

IFS Report — Economic Consequences of Gender-Based Violence (26th March 2026)

ifs.org.uk/articles/economic-consequences-gender-based-violence

Institute for Fiscal Studies — Homepage

ifs.org.uk

R v R [1991] UKHL 12 — House of Lords judgment abolishing the marital rape exemption

bailii.org/uk/cases/UKHL/1991/12.html

Istanbul Convention — Council of Europe key facts

coe.int/en/web/istanbul-convention/key-facts

UK ratification of the Istanbul Convention — House of Lords Library

lordslibrary.parliament.uk/istanbul-convention

UK VAWG Strategy — Freedom from Violence and Abuse (December 2025)

gov.uk/government/publications/violence-against-women-and-girls-strategy

The Commitment Gap — J'K Frederick, The Convening (2026) linkedin.com/in/jkfrederick

Domestic Abuse Safe Leave Bill — Parliamentary debate June 2025

bills.parliament.uk

SEO KEYWORDS

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I did not know there were two International Women's Days until I started asking questions.

When I came across the 2026 IWD theme, Give to Gain, I felt exhausted. Not inspired. Exhausted. And I needed to understand why.

So I pulled on the loose thread of my curiosity. What I found sitting underneath that theme, behind the purple banners and the cupped hands and the hashtag, is what this episode is about.

Who created Give to Gain? Who benefits from it? What does it mean that the organisation running the most visible International Women's Day platform is a private consultancy, not the United Nations? And why are some of the companies most visibly promoting this theme the same ones filing unexplained gender pay gaps?

This is not an anti-IWD episode. It is an invitation to think. To ask. To know the difference between a campaign that demands justice and one that asks women to give more.

I may be totally wrong. And I am okay with that. But what if I'm not wrong?

THEMES EXPLORED IN THIS EPISODE:

• The true origins of International Women's Day — 1908, 1909, and why March 8th was fixed in 1921 to honour the women of Petrograd

• The two IWD organisations happening on the same day, and why most people only know about one

• Who created the Give to Gain theme and who runs internationalwomensday.com

• The gender pay gap data behind the organisations publicly promoting the theme

• What the images on the Give to Gain campaign page communicate

• Purple washing, gaslighting, and performative allyship — the language for what you might already be feeling

• What it means to be a critical thinker in your own story

LISTENING CONTEXT:

This episode contains references to historical labour exploitation, gender-based violence statistics, and systemic inequality. There are no graphic descriptions. If something lands differently than expected, that is worth paying attention to.

RESOURCES MENTIONED:

• UN Women — official IWD 2026 theme: Rights. Justice. Action. For All Women and Girls — unwomen.org

• UK Gender Pay Gap Service — gender-pay-gap.service.gov.uk

• Angela Priestley, Women's Agenda (Australia) — 'Don't Give to Gain and get duped again this International Women's Day'

• Novara Media — 'internationalwomensday.com Is a Corporate Hijack'

• internationalwomensday.com — IWD 2026 Give to Gain Theme Page

• Aurora Ventures — aurora-ventures.com

This episode is for anyone who has ever followed a campaign without questioning it. For anyone who has felt something was off but could not name it. For anyone ready to think critically, in their own story, about what they consume and why.