When your husband's family enables his affair and makes you the villain, the betrayal cuts twice as deep. In this raw and essential episode, Carl and Laura Lentz tackle one of the most painful questions they've received: what do you do when your in-laws collude with the affair partner, feed them information, and blame you for the infidelity? Drawing from their own experience of distancing from family during recovery and counseling countless couples through ministry betrayal, they reveal why you don't owe anyone access to you during healing, how to take control of your narrative when everyone's telling a different story, and the exact boundaries you need to protect your recovery. Laura opens up about why they separated from Carl's family (not due to collusion, but for space to make decisions without outside opinions), while Carl exposes the insane pressure to control narratives in ministry contexts. They break down the brutal truth: if you're trying to help your in-laws grieve while you're still bleeding from betrayal, you're abandoning yourself. From wives being vilified by their husband's entire family to mothers developing relationships with affair partners, this conversation reveals why collusion is so common in ministry marriages and what to do about it. Plus: why Christian couples should stop being embarrassed about sex therapy, the difference between "fine" and "thrilling" intimacy, and how religious trauma keeps couples from having honest conversations about their sex lives. Whether you're the betrayed spouse dealing with toxic in-laws, trying to figure out if you should cut off family members who enabled infidelity, or wondering how to heal when everyone's against you, this episode gives you permission to disconnect from false narratives and reconnect with who you really are. Warning: This conversation challenges the evangelical pressure to "keep the peace" with family at all costs and may trigger those who've built their identity on being the peacemaker instead of protecting their own healing.

Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

CHAPTERS:

00:00:00 - Lights On: Introduction and Birthday Banter

00:02:22 - Sex Therapy for Christian Couples: Breaking the Taboo

00:08:34 - Letters from Our Readers Introduction

00:09:31 - Today's Topics: Family Collusion After Infidelity

00:09:55 - Defining Collusion: What It Means

00:11:05 - Reading the Listener Letter: Mother-in-Law Enabled the Affair

00:13:18 - Laura's Story: Why We Distanced from Carl's Family

00:14:28 - Ministry Betrayal: Narrative Control is Insane

00:19:40 - Step 1: Change Your Position - You Don't Owe Anyone Access

00:20:20 - Forgiveness Does Not Mean Friendship

00:21:14 - Secure Safety First Before Any Reintegration

00:22:39 - Require Full Disclosure, Not Drip Disclosure

00:26:24 - You Get to Define All the Relationships

00:27:18 - Family Boundary Contract with Clear Repair Requirements

00:33:36 - Picking the Right Therapist: Why Betrayal Trauma Specialists Matter

00:35:56 - Step 4: Your Husband Needs to Step Up and Set the Story Straight

00:37:01 - When a Man Gets Married, He Starts His Own Family

00:39:27 - Protecting Your Children: Who Gets to Tell Them What Happened

00:42:16 - Integrity Example: The Phone Call Story

00:43:54 - Disconnecting from False Narratives About Yourself

00:45:15 - Final Thoughts: Take Control Back One Step at a Time

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In this urgent wake-up call, Carl and Laura Lentz expose the silent epidemic destroying modern life: consumption addiction. Drawing from their own dramatic reconstruction after public crisis and counseling countless people stuck in endless scrolling, they reveal why being the last to know current events is actually a power move, how "mental obesity" is filling your mind with garbage you don't need, and why your brain's unemployment is forcing it to find the worst possible jobs. Carl shares why he lost an hour to a Nicholas Cage conspiracy theory and immediately knew something was wrong, while Laura opens up about blocking all consumption just to survive her darkest season. They break down the brutal truth: if you're busy consuming, you're avoiding creating your actual life. From couples escaping each other through ESPN and Pinterest to parents teaching their kids that presence means distraction, this episode exposes why creation is the only path to peace. They reveal the frame that changed everything: remove 30% of what you consume and watch your life transform. Whether you're a Karen policing hiking trails because you have nothing else going on, a virtue signaler who cares about issues for exactly one post, or someone comparing your life to people you don't even like, this conversation reveals why that phone in your hand might be the very thing keeping you stuck. Warning: This episode challenges the cultural addiction to having opinions on everything and may trigger those who've built their entire identity on commentary instead of creation.

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Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

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CHAPTERS:

00:00 - The Quiet Revolution: Creation Over Consumption

01:42 - Why We're Always the Last to Know

03:04 - Mental Obesity Is Real

04:45 - Give Your Brain a Job or It Finds the Worst One

08:01 - Sobriety Isn't the Goal, Building Life Is

10:44 - Why Successful People Never Know What's Happening

13:19 - The Orchestra Story: Build Something Undeniable

15:01 - When Your Hands Are Free, Your Mind Fills It

18:29 - 77% of You Are Consuming Passively

21:08 - Identity Shift: Stop Being Who You Observe

24:57 - The IKEA Effect and Creation Reward

27:52 - Three Signs You're Over-Consuming

31:43 - Nobody Doing Better Than You Will Hate You

34:45 - Create Before You Consume Rule

37:27 - The Parent Phone Problem

40:03 - Collaborate With Your Spouse on Something Creative

42:43 - Carl's Rehab Painting Breakdown

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In this crucial episode of Lights On, Carl and Laura Lentz provide a survival guide for women navigating the aftermath of betrayal. Drawing from their reconstruction journey and counseling hundreds of couples, they reveal the six essential steps every betrayed spouse needs to take immediately after discovering infidelity. Laura shares her own early choices - from refusing to weaponize shame despite having every right to, to her intensive identity work at OnSite that revealed she'd lost herself long before the affair. They expose the dangerous trap of trying to police your spouse's recovery while ignoring your own healing, why poorly trained therapists can do more harm than good, and the power move of creating firm boundaries with real consequences. From why separation isn't punishment but protection for your nervous system, to the surprising statistic that shame-based communication cuts reconciliation rates by 50%, this episode is required listening for any woman asking "What now?" after betrayal. Whether you're deciding to stay or go, these six steps ensure you're making that choice from strength, not trauma. Warning: This episode challenges the common advice to "just forgive and move on" and may trigger those invested in remaining victims of their circumstances.

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Follow Carl at: https://www.instagram.com/carllentz/

Follow Laura at: https://www.instagram.com/lauralentz/

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Supported by God Behind Bars

https://godbehindbars.com

Supported by Plana

https://plana.org/

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CHAPTERS:

00:00 - What Every Betrayed Woman Needs To Know

01:10 - Our Email: hello@carlandlaura.com

03:12 - What She CAN'T Do (Stop Being A Shame Dealer)

05:22 - "Shame Corrodes The Part That Believes We Can Change"

08:06 - Why Shame Cuts Recovery Success By 50%

09:56 - Step 1: Get The RIGHT Therapist (Not All Are Equal)

11:12 - Warning: Bad Therapists Can Make Things Worse

16:45 - God Behind Bars Partnership

17:23 - Step 2: Create Separation For Your Nervous System

19:30 - "Safety Must Precede Intimacy"

22:51 - Step 3: Clear Expectations & Boundaries

27:26 - Step 4: Be Firm On Consequences

33:22 - Step 5: Invite Trusted Eyes & Ears

38:21 - Plana.org Partnership

38:59 - Step 6: Work On Yourself (The Game-Changer)

39:52 - "The Betrayed Partner Rebuilds Identity"

42:30 - Your Action Plan: Tangible Next Steps

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.