Say your child asks if they can stay with you for a few weeks, and every answer you could give turns over in your stomach. This week on Journey Beyond the Chaos I talk about how to make a decision you can stand behind when your child is struggling with addiction, you don’t know what to do, and there is no right answer. I share the two ways a decision like that gets made, one to make the feeling stop and one on purpose, and the single question I would start with, which is what matters to me here.

I also tell you about the advice I took early on, to let my son hit rock bottom, and why that decision came from someone else’s rule. This is the Stand step of my workshop, When You Don’t Know What to Do Anymore, which takes you from not knowing what to do anymore to a decision you can stand behind, even when there’s no right answer. It’s one sitting you can watch in your own time, with a workbook that goes with it.

Get the workshop here.

When your adult child texts asking for money, even twenty dollars for petrol with a promise to pay you back on Friday, your stomach can drop before you've finished reading it.

I'm Sandra, a mum who has lived this with my own son, and this week on Journey Beyond the Chaos I stay with that one moment, the message arriving, the few seconds after you read it and the hours after you've answered.

I'm not going to tell you whether to send the money, because with a message like this there often isn't a clear answer and I don't know your child. What I talk about is what happens inside us when it lands, the drop in your stomach that comes before the thinking, the mind running ahead, the pull to answer fast so the feeling stops, and the replay at dinner and in bed.

I share the advice I was given early on, to let my son hit rock bottom, and why I don't believe in tough love or ultimatums. Then I walk through the two layers, the hard thing itself and what our minds add to it, and a simple way to drop anchor in the minute after a message lands, so you have a little more room to decide.

If your child is struggling with addiction and you genuinely don't know what to do anymore, my workshop When You Don't Know What to Do Anymore is one sitting you can watch in your own time, with a workbook that goes with it.

Get the workshop here.

When you don't know what to do anymore, there's often a second voice in the room, and it has a verdict ready whichever way you go.

If you'd like somewhere to stand the next time a message comes through, my recorded workshop, When You Don't Know What To Do Anymore, comes with a companion workbook and instant access: Workshop Link.

Your child asks if they can come home for a while, and before you've had a chance to think, you're already running every possible outcome. Underneath it is the second layer, the suffering we add to the hard thing, made of the what ifs and the what sort of mum am I. I know that voice because it was mine, and I never realised I was adding to my suffering. I share where it comes from, what it does to the way we make decisions, and a few things I'd like you to know about deciding when you can't be certain. There's a short exercise too, to try now or the next time something happens.

A conversation with your child starts out fine, and in minutes, it's turned into an argument. And somehow, it becomes your fault.

In this episode, Sandra shares a real conversation with her son, what actually went through her mind in that first half second, and the small shift that changed where the conversation went. It's not about staying calm or getting it perfect. It's about what to do once you've already reacted.

Start here: https://www.withsandra.co.nz/you-are-not-broken-podcast

You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. Somewhere in this, someone has probably said this to you, and you've probably nodded, because it's true. But there's a difference between hearing those words and knowing what to do with them.

Not being able to control your child's addiction isn't the same as being powerless in it. There's a space between the two that's rarely named.

You'll hear how "I can't control this" can quietly turn into "I'm powerless," and why that shift matters. Why some of the most established names in family recovery work have kept adding to these three sentences over the years. And a way of thinking about who you're choosing to be in this, regardless of what your child does next.

"You can't control it" can easily be heard as "there's nothing you can do." Understanding the difference changes what's available to you, not for your child's outcome, but for how you hold this.

Listen to this episode of Journey Beyond the Chaos.

If this episode felt familiar, you'll want You Are Not Broken — my free guide for mums in exactly this place. Get it here →

Have you ever had a moment with your child that you wish you could go back and do differently?

I have.

In this episode, I share a story from a moment in my kitchen that was incredibly traumatic for me.

I was exhausted, overwhelmed and frightened. I thought I knew what was happening, and I believed I needed to stop it.

Years later, I can look back at that moment with a very different understanding.

I also share a story about a mum I was working with. Her son told her he was struggling, and for the first time, she found herself having to put into practice what she'd been learning.

Her experience brought me right back to my own kitchen and made me think about what I wish I'd understood then.

This isn't about finding the perfect response, or believing we can control what our child does.

It's about what we might see when we can create a little space between what happens and how we respond.

If you've ever replayed a moment and thought, “I wish I'd done that differently,” this episode is for you.

And if you listen and it brings something up for you, a memory, a question, something you're struggling with right now, send me an email sandra@withsandra.co.nz and let me know.

You don't need to have the right words. Just tell me what's on your mind.

I read every message.

When your adult child is struggling with addiction or mental health, people may tell you to walk away. But what if you can't — and don't actually want to?

Because this is your child.

You remember who they were before all of this. The clever little boy or girl you were so proud of. The child who climbed into your bed in the middle of the night. The child who once thought you were their hero.

And even though they are grown now, that instinct to move towards your child when they are hurting is still there.

So what happens when your instinct is to fix, protect and make things better — but this is something you cannot fix for them?

In this episode, Sandra explores the very real tension between being a mum and recognising that your adult child has a life, choices and a journey that you cannot live for them.

We talk about why the urge to step in can feel so hardwired, what happens when your child isn't ready to do the hard thing, and why wanting life to be different and knowing how to make it different aren't always the same thing.

And perhaps most importantly, we look at what it might mean to stop choosing between carrying everything and walking away.

If you've ever thought, "I'm their mum. Who else is going to be there for them?", this episode is for you.

There is another way.

If something in this episode felt familiar, hit follow so you don't miss the next one. And if you want to go deeper, join the email list here: that's where I share more of this work.

You said you wouldn't answer the phone this time. You wouldn't transfer the money, wouldn't make the call, wouldn't step in again. And then you did — and afterwards, all you could think was: but what choice did I have? This episode isn't about whether you should step in or step back. It's about something underneath that question: the difference between "I have to do this" and "I'm choosing to do this" — and why that distinction changes everything.

This episode isn't about whether you should step in or step back — it's about something underneath that question. Sandra explores why "just stop rescuing" so rarely works, even when you know it's true, and explores the difference between feeling trapped by a choice and recognising that you're making one — even when it's difficult. She talks about a different kind of resilience — not strength, not walking away, but the quiet work of sitting in discomfort without rushing to fix it — and why "I can't do this" might sometimes mean you haven't yet built the capacity to tolerate what comes after the change. Along the way, she offers a few questions worth asking yourself next time you feel pulled to step in: What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What am I afraid will happen if I don't? Because the goal was never to do more, or to do less. It's to have more choice.

Grab the free Choice Check — a short, printable guide to help you pause and get clear on whether what you're doing is a choice you're making, or a pattern you feel trapped in. Download it here.

Journey Beyond the Chaos is for mothers of adult children whose lives have become complicated by addiction, mental health struggles, or both. Hosted by Sandra, a certified health and mental health coach who has lived this herself, each episode explores what it means to stay steady, stay connected, and find another way — without losing yourself in the process.

There is another way