We’re spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them’s the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (2025), but first...

TEASER:

Our respect for the Boboli Corporation.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Station … “Fries” vs. “Pizza”...

PART TWO

We counted them down! … “Christmas” explains a lot … Can’t remember movies … Why do these people meet? … Cast Rundown … Soriano or Osuna? … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Sick child, gay cookie foundry … Familiarly defamiliarizing … La Chabert Appreciation Station … No horny material…

PART THREE

Spot the Angel: Village NPCs vs. The Gig Economy … Bottle episode … Eat Your Heart Out: Enormous martinis, extra host, scalding coffee, the FBI’s Flavor Unit, Edible purse, Our Respect for the Boboli Corporation, Charcuterie bodega, Uber Dolmades, “Potato Chip,” “Nat-Chos,” … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: McBanjoverse, Zac Hugiverse, Santacon, Actual Christmastown; I noticed Denver; all existing alt NYCs … You love this (sorry)…

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Ghosts from a normal script; no mutual accusations; hard to be haunted by Valentine’s Day; why did they commit to this?; some screwball’d help; good takes but not great jokes … Crossover: Collateral II: Collateral Aftermath, Michael Mann reverie … More Audioslave in Hallmark; Fred Schneider, welcome to Hallmark…

PART FIVE

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chef Mario, Little Mikey’s family … Gauntlet interlude … Who’s the Real Villain?: App economy grindset; Bartholomew’s non-rotating restaurant; Thomas, the NYC parking officer … Bonus sales pitch! … Rating: 3 … Thank you for trying! …

PART SIX

The Leftovers: Robert Buckley Appreciation Station … “It was me!” and “Fashion Week but Edible!” …Cooks Illustrated … NYC Soft FM, Michael Ironside as Viper, The Warriors … IMDB Dive: Michael Robison and Blade the Series, (feat. Sticky Fingaz) … “Are you on Instagram?” … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and “Powerhouse” by the Raymond Scott Quintette.

It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (2023), but first...

Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it.

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ...

PART TWO

Spot the Angel: No, or Jerry Gergich ... Eat Your Heart Out: 10,000 Flushes and Life Savers cocktails; Rainforest Cafe; candy-cane doctor; grocery-store cookies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jerry Reinsdorf and Hawk Harrelson; veteran men's encounter group; episodes 1, 4, 27 and 60 ...

PART THREE

Overdetermined: "I remembered Christmas"; what's wrong with you; meta-town; dad's cattiness; "what's Christmas?" repeatedly ... Crossover: You Should Have Left, Cemetery Man, Pleasantville ...

PART FOUR

The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Officer Connor and The Mayor ... Gazebo trend map ... Who's the Real Villain: Men's inability to process shame; Amazon ...

PART FIVE

Rating: 3 ... A baseless romance ... The Leftovers: Dustin Rikert and Easy Rider 2 ... Arm's distance ... Incorrectly beating your car ... CFL lighting ... A pine tree in a living room??? ... Deleted Scene: Walken impressions, cut-ups, Fatboy Slim ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2024), but first...

A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ...

THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather

PART ONE

Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ...

PART TWO

Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley affably going along ... Spot the Angel: No, but Hunger Games ...

PART THREE

Eat Your Heart Out: Marcus the gourmet; blurred banquet; "make it a double!"; splash of skim milk ... No Cure for Christmas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Hallmark retail on one block; widowers are just lying divorced dads ... The Korean War ...

PART FOUR

Overdetermined: Deconstructed Hallmark? ... Crossover: Ready or Not; Fake Fiancées on Adultery Island ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... The Real Villain/Voight-Kampff Test: Again, it's real and fine; weird knows it's weird ... Rating: 3 ... Three-car garage ...

PART FIVE

The Leftovers: Where does it end? ... Crypto's pumping ... Let's gooooo debut ... IMDB Dive: Steal B-Rad's sunshine ... Christmas in Angel Falls ... MERRY! shirt ... Family kiss ogling ... Widow Talk: Don't eliminate supportive traditions ... 3x5 wallet photo ... Fiber-optic marketer ... WE DID IT, BABY! ... Merry Christmas!

All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons.

Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.