『Ep 449 Stop Keeping Score in Your Marriage, w/ Jonathan & Meredith Van Viegen』のカバーアート

Ep 449 Stop Keeping Score in Your Marriage, w/ Jonathan & Meredith Van Viegen

Ep 449 Stop Keeping Score in Your Marriage, w/ Jonathan & Meredith Van Viegen

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概要
 Zach sits down with couples therapist Jonathan Van Viegen and his wife Meredith, who are calling in from the surf town in Panama where they run a surf lodge and raise their two daughters. Jonathan built a huge following on Instagram by saying what he actually believes about marriage, and his first book, Choosing Us, comes out this month. Zach starts by asking what it’s like to be a “marriage character” online. Then he turns to the more interesting question: how do these two actually make it work?Their answers are refreshingly concrete. Jonathan cleans up Meredith’s peanut butter toast board every morning. Meredith never says no to a surf session. Neither of them keeps a running tally. Jonathan calls it refusing to “timestamp” the small moments, and he turns everyday complaining on its head: if you can complain about what hurts, you should be able to complain about what heals, like years of fidelity, loyalty, and honesty. Zach adds his own frame: marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 60/40, with both partners trying to be the 60.It wasn’t always this easy. Jonathan talks openly about the anger that shaped their first six years. Meredith owns the moment she told him he wasn’t funny enough, a comment aimed at who he was rather than what he did. That fight pushed Jonathan back to school for marriage and family therapy. It also taught them both the rule they now teach couples: go after behavior, never identity. Zach describes the tiger murals in a Japanese palace, painted by artists who had never seen a tiger. Meredith then offers the episode’s most useful insight: underneath a lot of anger is fear.This is a conversation about the long game. If you’re tired of keeping score, or you’re married to someone whose anger feels bigger than the moment, you’ll walk away with a few simple practices and a lot of hope.Key TakeawaysMarriage isn’t 50/50. It works best at 60/40, with both partners trying to be the 60.Stop timestamping. Judge your marriage over a week, not a single moment.If you can complain about what hurts, you can also name what heals.Fight about behavior, never about who your partner is. A person’s identity can’t survive that kind of attack.A lot of anger is fear in disguise. Look for what your partner is afraid of.Shame keeps anger hidden. Talking about it openly is how you gain control over it.Most of what feels threatening is a paper tiger, not a real one.Bring up the small stuff early, before it hardens into resentment.Guest InfoJonathan Van Viegen is a couples therapist and relationship coach with a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, and the founder of The Van Viegen Institute. He came to the work after years of wrestling with his own anger, which he talks about openly on the show and in his writing. About two and a half years ago he started sharing his views on marriage on Instagram, and his content has since drawn well over 100 million views. His first book, Choosing Us: Stories and Strategies to Strengthen Your Marriage from Inside the Therapy Room (Jossey-Bass), follows three fictional couples through five sessions each. One couple is dealing with infidelity, one with high conflict, and one with long-term emotional decay. Along the way, readers get his actual interventions, scripts, and questions. Website: jonathanvanviegen.comBook: Choosing Us: Stories and Strategies to Strengthen Your Marriage from Inside the Therapy RoomInstagram: @jonathanvanviegenMeredith Van Viegen is Jonathan’s wife of 17 years and his partner in nearly everything, including the business behind his work. She runs the family’s surf lodge in Panama, homeschools their daughters, and recently started leading women’s circles as part of their group coaching programs. She has a background in writing and editing, and she worked on Choosing Us with him: she helped shape the storyline, read every chapter multiple times, and did the proofreading and copy editing alongside the publisher. She brings a candid, steady perspective to the conversation, especially on what it takes to love someone through their anger. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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