Portia Louder remembers the moment the prison door shut behind her.

She had been sentenced to seven years in federal prison for real estate fraud. Her youngest daughter was seven. Portia had spent weeks preparing to leave her husband and children, but nothing prepared her for walking through that door and realizing she couldn’t walk back out.

“My life as I knew it was over from that point on.”

Three days later, overwhelmed by what she had done and everything she had lost, Portia got on her knees.

“Heavenly Father, I have failed everyone in my life. I cannot see my way out of this hole. I just need to know who I am to you.”

What happened next began changing the way Portia saw herself.

Then it began changing the way she saw everyone else.

Before prison, Portia admits she believed people who went there were simply bad people. Inside, she encountered women whose trauma, resilience, kindness, faith, and goodness challenged nearly everything she thought she understood.

Some became friends. Some became teachers.

And one helped Portia confront something she had spent years resisting.

“Portia, you broke the law. That’s what happens to people when they break the law.”

Halfway through her sentence, Portia began taking ownership of the choices that had brought her there. She also started letting go of something else: her determination to get back to the life she had before prison.

She couldn’t see what might exist in its place.

Then one day, still incarcerated, Portia looked in the mirror and realized:

“I really like myself.”

In this conversation, Portia and Rivers talk about regret and responsibility, the difference between guilt and shame, the surprising goodness she encountered in prison, and why being forgiven didn’t mean the people she hurt were suddenly healed.

Portia also shares what it took to rebuild trust with her children after coming home.

While incarcerated, she used to imagine a future in which her family was restored. Years later, she found herself on a beach in Hawaii, surrounded by that family, watching her daughter dance the way she had when she was little.

The life Portia once desperately wanted back was gone.

What came after was something she couldn’t have imagined from inside that prison cell.

“I am so grateful for my prison experience. And yet it was so painful. But I was born to go to prison.”

This is a conversation about what can happen when the worst chapter of your life doesn’t get the final word - and the person you’re trying so hard to get back to may not be the person you’re becoming.

In this episode:

• The choices that led Portia to federal prison • Leaving her husband and five children behind • The prayer that changed the way she saw herself • What Portia got wrong about the people she expected to meet in prison • The friendships that changed her understanding of people • Taking responsibility without remaining trapped in shame • Why forgiveness and restoration weren’t the same thing • Rebuilding trust with her children • Letting go of the life she thought she needed to get back to • Why Portia can now say, “I was born to go to prison”

Learn more, explore the Grandpa Channel guided journal, and listen to more conversations at thegrandpachannel.com.

Every story has two stories: the one being told, and the one it stirs in your own life.

Find out more about Portia Louder here:

Website

Instagram

Facebook: FaceBook Portia Wilcox Louder

Portia's Book: Living Louder

Show Notes

There’s something remarkable about a 1,200-pound animal choosing to trust you.

For Haley Murray, that relationship with horses became much more than riding. Her horse Boomer began showing her things about trust, fear and herself that she hadn’t quite been able to name.

During one liberty-work session, Haley removed the ropes and watched Boomer run. She didn’t chase him. She didn’t force him back. She stood in the middle of the arena and waited until, eventually, he chose to return.

That moment would come to mean much more.

In this conversation with Rivers, Haley shares the story of experiencing abuse as a child, what happened when the truth finally came out, and how those formative years shaped her relationship with faith, forgiveness and trust.

She also talks about something we don’t always acknowledge about forgiveness: sometimes you think you’ve finished with it, then years later you discover another layer waiting for you.

Haley remembers writing her grandfather a letter before the birth of her first child. She remembers seeing his number when he finally called. She remembers wanting to tell him she forgave him and realizing, in that moment, that she couldn’t quite get the words out on her own.

And she talks about the unexpected freedom that followed when she finally could.

Years later, becoming a mother brought another part of Haley’s story into focus. Despite being extraordinarily vigilant about protecting her own children, she discovered that a parent cannot control everything that happens to them. What stayed with her was something else: when her children needed her, they told her.

Sometimes the most important thing we can give someone is a safe place to tell the truth.

Haley describes what happened to her as something that was once a deep wound and is now a scar, something she can point to and talk about in the hope that another person might hear her story and feel a little less alone.

And perhaps that’s where Boomer comes back into the story.

Sometimes you have to let the horse run.

Sometimes you have to stand quietly in the arena.

And sometimes trust means discovering that when the ropes are gone, there is still somewhere safe to come home to.

In this episode:

• Haley’s unusual connection with horses and what they taught her about trust

• The liberty-work experience with Boomer that changed their relationship

• Haley’s experience of childhood abuse and the moment the truth came out

• Why forgiveness unfolded in layers rather than one defining moment

• The phone call with her grandfather she will never forget

• How faith carried Haley through some of the hardest years of her life

• What becoming a mother taught her about protecting children, listening and healing

• Why giving someone a safe place to “run” can matter more than trying to fix everything

• The courage Haley sees now when she looks back at her 12-year-old self

• How Boomer eventually went from the safety of the arena to riding alone in the mountains

• Why Haley believes, “If I can trust God in the arena, then maybe I can trust Him in the mountains too.”

A question to carry with you:

What in your life might change if you stopped trying to force the outcome and made room for trust instead?

Because sometimes someone else’s story doesn’t simply tell us who they became.

It helps us recognize something in our own.

To connect with Haley:

Visit her website here!

Exciting upcoming events at Horse Connections:

Petals & Ponies Aug 13, Sept 3

Free Utah Flower Day Drive through event Aug 27

Grounded: A Women's Workshop Oct 9-10

Community Ed Classes for Adults, Teens & Kids this fall

What happens when a simple handshake breaks the rules?

In this solo episode, Rivers shares the story of volunteering at the Salt Lake County Metro Jail, where one unexpected handshake with an inmate led to an unforgettable confrontation with a correctional officer.

What begins as a humorous story quickly becomes a reflection on something much deeper: our need for human connection, the quiet dignity every person deserves, and the wisdom of knowing when to hold your tongue.

Sometimes the smallest acts of kindness leave the biggest impression.

In this episode, you'll hear about:

• Why one jail rule always bothered Rivers
• The Sunday school lesson that unexpectedly came to life
• A handshake that caused more trouble than anyone expected
• The perfectly timed moment that still makes him laugh
• Why some moments of human connection stay with us forever

Question to reflect on:

Has there ever been a small act of kindness or human connection that stayed with you far longer than you expected? Why do you think it mattered?

If you'd like to continue the conversation, explore our guided journal, Until It Starts to Speak Back, created to help you discover the stories that have shaped your own life.

Learn more and listen to more conversations at thegrandpachannel.com.