Portia Louder remembers the moment the prison door shut behind her.

She had been sentenced to seven years in federal prison for real estate fraud. Her youngest daughter was seven. Portia had spent weeks preparing to leave her husband and children, but nothing prepared her for walking through that door and realizing she couldn’t walk back out.

“My life as I knew it was over from that point on.”

Three days later, overwhelmed by what she had done and everything she had lost, Portia got on her knees.

“Heavenly Father, I have failed everyone in my life. I cannot see my way out of this hole. I just need to know who I am to you.”

What happened next began changing the way Portia saw herself.

Then it began changing the way she saw everyone else.

Before prison, Portia admits she believed people who went there were simply bad people. Inside, she encountered women whose trauma, resilience, kindness, faith, and goodness challenged nearly everything she thought she understood.

Some became friends. Some became teachers.

And one helped Portia confront something she had spent years resisting.

“Portia, you broke the law. That’s what happens to people when they break the law.”

Halfway through her sentence, Portia began taking ownership of the choices that had brought her there. She also started letting go of something else: her determination to get back to the life she had before prison.

She couldn’t see what might exist in its place.

Then one day, still incarcerated, Portia looked in the mirror and realized:

“I really like myself.”

In this conversation, Portia and Rivers talk about regret and responsibility, the difference between guilt and shame, the surprising goodness she encountered in prison, and why being forgiven didn’t mean the people she hurt were suddenly healed.

Portia also shares what it took to rebuild trust with her children after coming home.

While incarcerated, she used to imagine a future in which her family was restored. Years later, she found herself on a beach in Hawaii, surrounded by that family, watching her daughter dance the way she had when she was little.

The life Portia once desperately wanted back was gone.

What came after was something she couldn’t have imagined from inside that prison cell.

“I am so grateful for my prison experience. And yet it was so painful. But I was born to go to prison.”

This is a conversation about what can happen when the worst chapter of your life doesn’t get the final word - and the person you’re trying so hard to get back to may not be the person you’re becoming.

In this episode:

• The choices that led Portia to federal prison • Leaving her husband and five children behind • The prayer that changed the way she saw herself • What Portia got wrong about the people she expected to meet in prison • The friendships that changed her understanding of people • Taking responsibility without remaining trapped in shame • Why forgiveness and restoration weren’t the same thing • Rebuilding trust with her children • Letting go of the life she thought she needed to get back to • Why Portia can now say, “I was born to go to prison”

Learn more, explore the Grandpa Channel guided journal, and listen to more conversations at thegrandpachannel.com.

Every story has two stories: the one being told, and the one it stirs in your own life.

Find out more about Portia Louder here:

Website

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Facebook: FaceBook Portia Wilcox Louder

Portia's Book: Living Louder