⚠️ Warning: A boiler, a vape, and a Bundesliga highlight reel walk into a pub and somehow Arsenal still bottle it. Between VAR smoke, Klopp worship, and a tiny German midfielder giving everyone an existential crisis, the Tun hits new levels of combustible nonsense.

In this week’s carnage:

💨 Chapo hallucinates from boiler vapours and declares himself head of UEFA Comms

🔴 Arsenal praised, mocked, then diagnosed with chronic bottle-syndrome within three minutes

🧠 Tony compares Arteta’s tactics to “trying to toast bread with a lighter”

🧴 Irish Ken sells “official VAR fog” bottled from the men’s toilets

⚽ Liverpool fans re-write history while Jürgen’s veneers blind two pensioners

💩 Florian Wirtz described as “the size of a lamppost plug-socket” yet apparently the second coming

📺 VAR replay replaced by a YouTube clip titled “Wirtz vs Physics 2024”

🪓 Stick of Justice used to point at the telly every time Trent misplaces a pass

🐼 Existential question raised: Is Leandro Trossard actually a panda in disguise?

🍺 Old Man in the Chair demands “proper football” and immediately falls asleep

🚓 Police arrive over “unlicensed punditry” and leave arguing about xG

So crack a tin, inhale the fog, and join Chapo AND Bomb as the lads dissect Arsenal’s mood swings, Liverpool’s deluded fans moral-superiority complex, and the legend of the five-foot-three phenom Florian "£8.5m" Wirtz all through a haze of burnt heater oil and bad decisions.

💩 P.S. VAR still stands for Very Arse Results.

💩 P.P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

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⚠️ Warning: The Buttock Derby delivered everything the FA handbook explicitly forbids fake kits, flying handbags, and a referee who pulled his hamstring halfway through booking a man with extra toes.

In this week’s carnage:

🥴 Irish Ken’s “Real Madrid” shirts disintegrate before kick-off

⚽ Meoff actually plays football, then immediately regrets it

🦶 Six-Toes Derek scores, two-foots, and re-enacts Mortal Kombat

🍑 Referee’s left cheek explodes mid-card-wave

🪓 Tony brandishes the Stick of Justice while flogging knock-off air-fryers

👩‍👜 Six-Toes’ mum vaults the barrier and drops the ref with a Primark haymaker

🐕 The Labrador saves the day (again) and earns Man of the Match

🚓 Local police arrive and arrest the concept of fair play

So pour a pint, brace your earholes, and join Chapo for the official Hawk & Tun post-match report —where football occasionally happens between acts of violence.

💩 P.S. White Hearts finished with nine men.

💩 P.P.S. The ref’s still icing his bum.

💩 P.P.P.S. Sheffied is still 💩

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⚠️ Warning: Chapo’s back from COVID, Bomb’s been on the Staropramen, and somehow Paris, beer maths, and Jesus’ biscuit knees all make sense after ten minutes. Expect lager-fuelled logic, Essex League nostalgia, and more theology than Sky Sports could stomach.

In this week’s carnage:

🍺 Bomb swears he out-scored Gabriel Jesus “in the Essex Sunday League, mate”

💶 Chapo breaks down Paris pint economics (€8 happy hour / €14 sadness)

🤖 Chapo’s Amazon hub explodes mid-pod claims “AI rendering farm interference”

💬 AFTV roasted into orbit Lee Gunner declared “a twat”

😷 Chapo confesses to COVID, Wi-Fi exorcisms and a new German boss who quotes ’Allo ’Allo!

⚽ Saka praised, Mainoo compared, United Trey slandered, and the lads still find time to call Liverpool fans delusional

🚨 David Coote branded “90-grand wrong’un” and sentenced (by us) to rot

👕 Hawk & Tun FC update: new kits, new players, Man in Chair upgraded to a folding throne with dual beer-holders

🪓 Stick of Justice returns Bomb wields it like Thor with a hangover, smiting pundits, refs and anyone wearing a half-and-half scarf

🎭 Manager chat turns into life coaching: Mourinho ego analysis, Ranieri therapy, and Pep worship

😂 Bonus chaos: Victor Boniface’s four-girlfriend philosophy, kudos’ misplaced **** on Sky Sports, and Spurs still being Spurs

💖 Ends wholesome: shout-outs to US, German and Qatari listeners, Brentford’s mental-health benches, and Palace’s aftercare for academy kids before another “**** Sheffield” sign-off

Two WhatsApp warriors. One barely-contained bromance that would fail every BBC background check.

So crack a tin, brace your earholes, and join the world’s most chaotic pub-cast where football dies for your entertainment every single week, and there’s barely any rude writing on the toilet walls.

💩 P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

💩 P.P.S. Whilst Sheffield is still a shithole, guess who edits the descriptions and hasn’t given BOM the password to get in and change it?

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⚠️ Warning: Bomb still thinks bar staff are brain-dead chimps, Chapo’s been banned again, and somehow we’ve acquired both a DJ and a bloody vicar. There’s also a stag do, bad football takes, and enough chaos to pickle your nan.

In this week’s carnage:

🍷 Bomb wants a pint but calls the bar crew thick as pig shit

🛵 Chapo now “does weddings” (yeah, imagine that with his mouth)

⌨️ Chapo gets clattered by a munter on X and banned quicker than you can say “delete tweet”

🤣 We’ve discovered the effects button turns out it’s like ket for your ears, and not the good kind

💸 Guinness vs Ashi turns into the fiscal fight no one asked for

⚽ Football: butchered, shouted over, and laced with industrial-strength swearing (mostly Chapo)

So neck a pint, crank your cans, and let us volley this circus of bollocks square into your sweaty nut-sack.

We’re the Ranter Lads. Internet slags don’t say we didn’t warn ya.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

⚠️ Warning: Bomb loses his rag with Chapo (again), we rinse Man U, Lee Gunner’s still Lee Gunner, and the mighty Grimsby get their due.

In this week’s carnage:

🍷 Bomb’s patience snaps during Chapo’s latest life-fail antics

🛵 Chapo goes full rant mode at Lee “Skinny Harry Potter” Gunner

⌨️ Keyboard warriors pile on a 16-year-old (we’re not having it)

🤣 A 22-penalty shootout gets the Ranter Lads treatment

💸 Big shout to LFC Shane and all the legends who listen in

⚽ Yes, football is technically discussed… badly, loudly, and with plenty of swearing

So grab a pint, stick your cans on, and let the chaos volley you straight in the sweaty bollocks.

We’re the Ranter Lads. You’re welcome, internet slags.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

⚠️ Warning: Today’s sound quality is ropey. Not our fault, not our problem. We’ll fix it next time but let’s be real, you lot aren’t paying a penny for this anyway.

In today’s episode:

🍷 Bomb Taunts Chapo neck-deep in a tragic Chinese takeaway that looks like it came out the bin

🛵 Chapo gets mugged off by a hotel over his food extreme begging vibes from him, zero dignity

📅 A keyboard war: Dickhead Diddy vs. a Spurs fan… one of them leaves crying (no prizes for guessing)

🤣 Tottenham bottle it again, because being Spursy is a full-time job

💸 We “predict” the league winner and end up sounding like pissed-up fortune tellers with brain damage

⚽ And yes, football gets mentioned… badly

So grab a drink, slap on your headphones, and let the chaos kick you in the bollocks.

We’re the ranter lads. You’re welcome, you slags.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In today’s episode:

🍷 Bomb develops a taste for bargain-bin Co-op wine

🛵 Chapo’s mouth could power a swear jar economy

📅 Social media you lot are officially a bunch of scammers

🤣 Sheffield Scots and Spurs fans… brace yourselves for that combo

💸 We try to work out why everyone’s suddenly flashing the cash and buying stuff

⚽ And yes we talk football, because of course we do

So grab a drink, slap on your headphones, and embrace the chaos.

We’re the ranter lads. You’re welcome.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In today’s episode:

🍺 Bomb necks cider like it's a sport

🏍️ We argue (loudly) about whether riding or driving a Harley is correct

🎉 We throw down the gauntlet to social media "you lot are planning Chapo’s stag do"

🧠 We get real about mental health

😂 We absolutely rinse Sheffield (again)

🕊️ We attempt to solve world peace (obviously)

⚽ And yes, we chat football because we’re not animals

So crack open a cold one, chuck your headphones on, and join the chaos.

We're the lads. You're welcome.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.