⚠️ Warning: A boiler, a vape, and a Bundesliga highlight reel walk into a pub and somehow Arsenal still bottle it. Between VAR smoke, Klopp worship, and a tiny German midfielder giving everyone an existential crisis, the Tun hits new levels of combustible nonsense.

In this week’s carnage:

💨 Chapo hallucinates from boiler vapours and declares himself head of UEFA Comms

🔴 Arsenal praised, mocked, then diagnosed with chronic bottle-syndrome within three minutes

🧠 Tony compares Arteta’s tactics to “trying to toast bread with a lighter”

🧴 Irish Ken sells “official VAR fog” bottled from the men’s toilets

⚽ Liverpool fans re-write history while Jürgen’s veneers blind two pensioners

💩 Florian Wirtz described as “the size of a lamppost plug-socket” yet apparently the second coming

📺 VAR replay replaced by a YouTube clip titled “Wirtz vs Physics 2024”

🪓 Stick of Justice used to point at the telly every time Trent misplaces a pass

🐼 Existential question raised: Is Leandro Trossard actually a panda in disguise?

🍺 Old Man in the Chair demands “proper football” and immediately falls asleep

🚓 Police arrive over “unlicensed punditry” and leave arguing about xG

So crack a tin, inhale the fog, and join Chapo AND Bomb as the lads dissect Arsenal’s mood swings, Liverpool’s deluded fans moral-superiority complex, and the legend of the five-foot-three phenom Florian "£8.5m" Wirtz all through a haze of burnt heater oil and bad decisions.

💩 P.S. VAR still stands for Very Arse Results.

💩 P.P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

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⚠️ Warning: The Buttock Derby delivered everything the FA handbook explicitly forbids fake kits, flying handbags, and a referee who pulled his hamstring halfway through booking a man with extra toes.

In this week’s carnage:

🥴 Irish Ken’s “Real Madrid” shirts disintegrate before kick-off

⚽ Meoff actually plays football, then immediately regrets it

🦶 Six-Toes Derek scores, two-foots, and re-enacts Mortal Kombat

🍑 Referee’s left cheek explodes mid-card-wave

🪓 Tony brandishes the Stick of Justice while flogging knock-off air-fryers

👩‍👜 Six-Toes’ mum vaults the barrier and drops the ref with a Primark haymaker

🐕 The Labrador saves the day (again) and earns Man of the Match

🚓 Local police arrive and arrest the concept of fair play

So pour a pint, brace your earholes, and join Chapo for the official Hawk & Tun post-match report —where football occasionally happens between acts of violence.

💩 P.S. White Hearts finished with nine men.

💩 P.P.S. The ref’s still icing his bum.

💩 P.P.P.S. Sheffied is still 💩

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⚠️ Warning: Chapo’s back from COVID, Bomb’s been on the Staropramen, and somehow Paris, beer maths, and Jesus’ biscuit knees all make sense after ten minutes. Expect lager-fuelled logic, Essex League nostalgia, and more theology than Sky Sports could stomach.

In this week’s carnage:

🍺 Bomb swears he out-scored Gabriel Jesus “in the Essex Sunday League, mate”

💶 Chapo breaks down Paris pint economics (€8 happy hour / €14 sadness)

🤖 Chapo’s Amazon hub explodes mid-pod claims “AI rendering farm interference”

💬 AFTV roasted into orbit Lee Gunner declared “a twat”

😷 Chapo confesses to COVID, Wi-Fi exorcisms and a new German boss who quotes ’Allo ’Allo!

⚽ Saka praised, Mainoo compared, United Trey slandered, and the lads still find time to call Liverpool fans delusional

🚨 David Coote branded “90-grand wrong’un” and sentenced (by us) to rot

👕 Hawk & Tun FC update: new kits, new players, Man in Chair upgraded to a folding throne with dual beer-holders

🪓 Stick of Justice returns Bomb wields it like Thor with a hangover, smiting pundits, refs and anyone wearing a half-and-half scarf

🎭 Manager chat turns into life coaching: Mourinho ego analysis, Ranieri therapy, and Pep worship

😂 Bonus chaos: Victor Boniface’s four-girlfriend philosophy, kudos’ misplaced **** on Sky Sports, and Spurs still being Spurs

💖 Ends wholesome: shout-outs to US, German and Qatari listeners, Brentford’s mental-health benches, and Palace’s aftercare for academy kids before another “**** Sheffield” sign-off

Two WhatsApp warriors. One barely-contained bromance that would fail every BBC background check.

So crack a tin, brace your earholes, and join the world’s most chaotic pub-cast where football dies for your entertainment every single week, and there’s barely any rude writing on the toilet walls.

💩 P.S. Sheffield is still a shithole.

💩 P.P.S. Whilst Sheffield is still a shithole, guess who edits the descriptions and hasn’t given BOM the password to get in and change it?

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.