EPISODE 5, It's Not What You Said, It's How You Said It

She had spent hours cleaning the house, top to bottom. Then she walked into the bedroom and found his clothes flung everywhere. What she said next is what brought them to my office, and it had nothing to do with the clothes.

Welcome to Nobody Told Me Love Isn't Enough. I'm Anita Daniels, marriage counsellor, author, and founder of She Really Heals. This week, I'm asking why two people who want exactly the same thing can still end up in an argument, and what changes when the same request is said a different way.

We open with a message from Michael and Temmy, who agree on almost everything and still can't say it to each other without it turning into something else. Then I tell you about Mr and Mrs G, and the one sentence that made him defend himself instead of listen. When I asked Mr G what he would have done if she had said it differently, his answer says everything.

We also name the four patterns that show up in almost every conversation that goes wrong: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, with the exact lines to listen for in your own home. I touch on gaslighting too, which needs an episode of its own, coming soon. And I'll give you a bus stop analogy that may change how you think about blaming your partner for how you react.

Whoever you are, engaged, married, single, or healing from something, and especially if you're listening from our African, Caribbean, or Asian communities, this one's for you.

Send me a voice note or message, WhatsApp 07513 443176, or email info@shereallyheals.com. I read them all, and some of you might hear yours back on a future episode.

My book, Love Isn't Enough, is on Amazon now, audiobook on Spotify. And our free app, Ready and Staying, walks you and your partner through these exact conversations at your own pace. Everything's at shereallyheals.com.

You can be right, and still say it in a way that makes you impossible to hear.