Evan speaks with Dr. James Cordova, psychologist, couples researcher, and creator of the evidence-based Relationship Checkup, about practicing love through better communication and repair. They discuss modern marriage’s pressure to meet all needs without a “village,” why conflict is often mistakenly treated as winning instead of understanding, and how collaborating—both in marriage and in divorce—reduces harm, especially for children exposed to conflict. Cordova explains fighting better to fight less, the porcupine’s dilemma of inevitable emotional “quills,” and why forgiveness and apology require emotional skill beyond fight-or-flight instincts. He argues couples wait too long for therapy due to cultural stigma, limited training, cost, and access, and advocates preventive relationship healthcare via checkups before and during marriage. A simple daily intimacy practice is asking, “Tell me more,” to show attention and care.

Visit https://www.clarku.edu/faculty/profiles/james-cordova/

Topics

01:18 Tell Me More Mindset

02:47 Red Sox Apology Segment

05:06 Sports as Relationship Metaphor

07:26 Docket: Jelly Roll Divorce Stress

11:47 Overrated/Underrated

20:48 Meet Dr. James Cordova

21:39 Modern Marriage Needs a Village

30:03 Fight Better Not Harder

31:41 Forgiveness and Porcupines

35:19 Forgiveness Takes Effort

36:17 Fight or Flight Instincts

37:35 Why He Wrote the Book

40:47 Why Couples Wait Too Long

45:08 Relationship Checkup Model

48:44 Start Before Marriage

50:48 Hard Talks and Compatibility

57:58 Daily Intimacy Practice

59:42 Attention Versus Distraction

01:02:09 They Said It

01:08:24 Boundaries and Phone Privacy

01:10:59 Wrap Up and Where to Find Him