Right, so Donald Trump has won Greenland. Apparently.

He hasn't bought it. He hasn't annexed it. He hasn't even managed to claim sovereignty over a single Greenlandic wheelie bin. Still, none of that matters because Trump says he's won - and as we all know, reality is contractually obliged to catch up with his imagination sooner or later.

According to Trump, the United States now has "permanent control" over Greenland's security and "all other needs." Forever. Eternity. The Infinite Life Agreement, which sounds less like a diplomatic breakthrough and more like the sort of thing you'd get upsold by a Bond villain moonlighting as a dodgy broadband salesman.

So here's the announcement.

There you have it. Permanent authority. Security. "All other needs." America's wildest dreams fulfilled, courtesy of the greatest deal-maker ever to shuffle a deck, lose half the cards, and still declare himself the winner.

And this, rather wonderfully, is how that breathtaking triumph was being described in Denmark.

"Congratulations, President Trump. You've just achieved exactly what you always had."

Oh dear.

Sadly for Little Donnie that is the truth of things, even if his oatmeal for brains can’t quite process it. They handed him what amounted to a rusty old key and Trump mistook it for the deeds to the palace, and now he's out front boasting that no president in history has ever owned a doormat quite as magnificent as his.

Which is why this is why we’re all finding this so bloody hilarious.