Dateable AF Show Notes:
S3E4: You’re Not Bad at Communication. You’re Tolerating Too Much: When Talking Doesn’t Fix the Problem
Have you ever thought, “I’ve explained this so many times. Why doesn’t anything change?”
In this episode of Dateable AF, we talk about one of the most exhausting relationship experiences: doing all the emotional work, communicating clearly, staying calm, using “I” statements, and still feeling stuck in the same cycle.
This is not an anti-communication episode. Communication matters. But sometimes communication is not the problem. Sometimes the problem is that nothing changes, no matter how clearly you speak.
We start by unpacking the myth that if you could just say it the right way, things would finally improve. Modern relationship culture often tells us to keep trying. Say it nicer. Say it calmer. Say it again. When nothing shifts, people start blaming themselves for “not explaining well enough.” The truth is that clarity does not create change when someone is unwilling or unable to change.
Next, we talk about the kinds of issues that words alone cannot fix. You cannot talk someone into sobriety. You cannot explain your way out of abuse. Love does not replace treatment for untreated mental illness. Understanding does not create emotional capacity where there is none. And repeated boundary violations are rarely misunderstandings. If someone truly understood and cared, their behavior would already look different.
We then explore why people keep trying anyway. Hope, fear of loss, sunk cost, trauma bonding, and the desire to believe the best about someone all play a role. For many people, continuing to explain feels safer than facing the possibility that the relationship may not change.
One of the central ideas in this episode is the difference between being heard and being safe. Someone can listen, nod, agree, apologize, and still keep doing the same thing. Understanding without change is not intimacy. It is stagnation. Real safety in relationships is built through consistent behavior, not good conversations.
From there, we shift into what actually helps. Instead of more emotional labor and more heart-to-hearts, most people need clearer boundaries, observable behavior, realistic timelines, meaningful consequences, and stronger support for themselves. Boundaries are how you stop negotiating with reality.
We close by reminding listeners that you can communicate perfectly and still be in a bad situation. If something keeps happening, it is not a misunderstanding. Love does not require endurance. And you do not have to stay just because someone understands you.
Reflection
After listening, talk with your partner or a close friend about this: Where are you still trying to explain something that has already been made clear, and what are you afraid might happen if you stopped trying to convince them?
Connect With Us
We would love to hear your thoughts. You can email us at info@dateableaf.com or connect with us on Instagram @dateableaf. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need it.
Thanks for listening to the Dateable AF Podcast, where we help you find your happy ending. And remember, be bold, be kind, and for the love of self-respect, don’t text your ex. Stay Dateable AF.
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