We've spent all of October talking about friendship: the ones that last, the ones that change, and the ones we outgrow. To close out the month, Jess and Kelly take on the question so many women quietly wonder about: how do you actually make new friends as an adult?

When you're younger, friendships happen almost by accident. You share a classroom, a team, an office, or a preschool pickup line. Later in life, between work, kids, households, aging parents, and the relationships you already have, connection takes intention. In this episode we talk about why adult friendship can feel like dating, why we overthink unanswered texts, and why the "we should get together sometime" that never happens is something almost everyone does. We also talk about figuring out what kind of friendship you're really missing right now. Hint: the answer isn't always more friends.

• (00:08) Why making friends as an adult feels so awkward, and why it's a lot like dating
• (03:07) Repeated contact: friendships grow from seeing someone again and again, not from one great conversation
• (04:00) Giving people grace: a slow reply is usually just a slow reply
• (04:47) Becoming the one who initiates, and getting out your calendar the moment someone says "let's get coffee"
• (06:21) Taking the pressure off: you don't need to plan the girls' trip before the first coffee
• (07:28) Different friendships serve different purposes, and "touch points" (the barista, the front-desk regular) count too
• (09:45) Asking yourself "What am I missing right now?" instead of assuming you need more friends
• (12:45) Wanting friends who know you outside your roles as mom, spouse, or professional
• (14:14) Where to meet people: book clubs, fitness classes, cooking classes, volunteering
• (16:41) Making the ask: following up on a shared interest and putting a plan on the calendar
• (18:32) Real Over Perfect moment: when life gets busy and six months go by, it's still not too late to reach out
• (19:39) This week's Brighter Moves

Kelly: Reconnect Before You Add. Before you go looking for new friendships, think of someone you're already connected to who might just need a little rekindling. Send a text, tell them you're thinking of them, and ask if they're free for coffee.

Jess: One Small Invitation. Pick someone you enjoy being around, whether you just met or you'd like to know them better. Invite them to do one simple thing: coffee, a walk, a workout, lunch. Skip "we should get together sometime" and try "Would you want to grab coffee next week?"

This is your final chance to download October's free Friendship Audit. Sign up for our newsletter at chasingbrighter.com/newsletter to get it.

Next month we're stepping into the comparison trap. That includes the friend group that always seems to be traveling, the family with the picture-perfect traditions, and the quiet "why doesn't my life look like that?" Follow along on social to see what's happening behind the scenes.

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making friends as an adult, adult friendships, how to make new friends, friendship for women, women over 40 friendships, midlife friendships, loneliness in adulthood, empty nest loneliness, finding your people, building connection, initiating plans, friendship anxiety, overthinking texts, types of friendships, friendship touch points, reconnecting with old friends, where to meet new friends, book club friends, making friends at the gym, volunteering to meet people, identity beyond motherhood, intentional friendship, Friendship Audit, Chasing Brighter podcast, Becoming Not Arriving, Real Over Perfect, Brighter Moves

Jessica and Kelly kick off the week admitting they're running on fumes. Jessica blames perimenopause, post-trip fatigue, and those workouts where you show up but just don't care. That leads into a conversation about teen retreats, sticker shock, and why a handwritten letter might be one of the most meaningful gifts you can give someone you love.

Kelly's son Wes is heading off on a Kairos retreat, which sends the sisters back to their own Catholic youth retreat days and how differently faith can feel depending on whether it's framed around guilt or around love. They talk about why retreats matter at any age, whether for teens building friendships or for adults who need time to reflect (and yes, they still need to book their own). Then the conversation turns to how expensive everything feels right now, from a $350 weekend retreat to restaurant quotes for a family Thanksgiving dinner.

The heart of the episode is the Kairos tradition of family members writing letters to the teen on retreat. Jessica shares how she wrote hers with a little AI help (and why you have to go back and forth rather than accept the first draft), and the sisters reflect on their grandmother's college letters, why we say things in writing that we'd never say in a text, and the idea of creating that kind of love-letter moment for every child.

• (00:05) Surviving the week, perimenopause fatigue, and showing up when your heart isn't in it
• (01:36) Wes's Kairos retreat vs. the Teens Encounter Christ retreats of our youth
• (03:49) Why retreats are valuable, for teens and for women in midlife
• (04:32) Confirmation, choice, and why bonding retreats should come first, not six months in
• (06:30) Retreat sticker shock and the "everything is so expensive" rant
• (07:44) Planning a restaurant Thanksgiving with family on a budget
• (10:03) The Kairos letter tradition, and dropped balls with a college student's paperwork
• (12:43) Using AI to help write a heartfelt letter (and editing it so it actually sounds like him)
• (13:45) Grandparent relationships today, and getting Nona on Snapchat
• (14:56) Creating a "letters of love" moment for every child
• (16:00) The Correspondent, our grandmother's letters, and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan
• (17:08) November freebie announcement

The Correspondent by Virginia Evans and Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See.

This month's freebie is a set of easy AI prompts to help you use ChatGPT (or your preferred AI tool) as your personal stylist: build a capsule wardrobe, explore your style, and figure out what to wear to holiday gatherings. Get it by signing up for our newsletter at chasingbrighter.com.

Who in your life would light up reading a letter from you? This week, write one, whether on paper, in a card, or in a longer message than you'd usually send, and tell them what you appreciate about them.

Fan, Lisa See, book recommendations, connection, gratitude

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Chasing Brighter podcast, Superwoman Diaries, women’s podcast, sister podcast, midlife women, perimenopause fatigue, burnout, workout motivation, Kairos retreat, Teens Encounter Christ, Catholic youth retreat, confirmation, teen retreats, adult retreats, self-reflection, introspection, cost of living, everything is expensive, Thanksgiving planning, hosting Thanksgiving at a restaurant, family traditions, letter writing, handwritten letters, letters to teens, grandparents and grandkids, grandmother’s letters, parenting teens, college parenting, using AI to write letters, ChatGPT prompts, AI stylist, capsule wardrobe, holiday outfits, The Correspondent, Virginia Evans, Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, Lisa See, book recommendations, connection, gratitude

Chasing Brighter | Season 6: Becoming, Not Arriving

When was the last time you got curious about your partner, the person they are right now, not the version you memorized years ago? After a month of talking about friendship, Jessica and Kelly turn to the relationship where it's easiest to assume the friendship will hold on its own: your marriage or long-term partnership.

Jess and Kelly have each been with their husbands since '99, and they get honest about how long-term partnerships can quietly shift from romantic friendship to running a household together: schedules, kids, finances, logistics. They talk about what couples counseling taught them, why "if marriage is hard, you're with the wrong person" misses the mark, and why small, consistent moments of connection matter more than grand gestures. Whatever you call your relationship, this one is about tending the friendship at its center.

• Why every relationship takes work, and why that doesn't mean you're with the wrong person
• How partnerships drift from friendship into "operational partnership" without anyone noticing
• Jess on the couples therapist who kept steering her and Justin away from talking about their kids
• "Updating your information" about your partner, because they're becoming too
• The Gottman question: do you still know your partner's favorite things now?
• Why small daily rituals beat date nights and grand gestures
• Laughing together, watching a show together, cooking together: what connection looks like in real life
• Kelly's three-tier system for friendships and why she doesn't struggle with friendship ambiguity

• 00:05 – Still one of my favorite people, 27 years in
• 01:18 – Your marriage as a friendship you tend, not a partnership you manage
• 02:29 – "If marriage is hard, you're with the wrong person"? Not so fast
• 04:53 – From romantic friendship to operational partnership
• 05:22 – What couples counseling revealed
• 06:53 – Knowing your partner vs. knowing who they are now
• 07:46 – Gottman, Eight Dates, and getting curious again
• 08:36 – Small things over grand gestures
• 11:31 – This week's Brighter Moves
• 12:46 – Apps that help you get to know your partner
• 13:17 – Kelly's friendship tiers and the Friendship Audit

Jessica: Take a car ride with your partner, phones away, and focus on a real conversation full of curious questions.

Kelly: Ask your partner one real, curious question about what's going on with them right now. Make it something that isn't logistics.

• Eight Dates by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman
• Gottman Card Decks app (free)
• Paired app
• Conversation and family question cards
• Best Medicine (the show Jess and Justin are watching together)

Sort out your friendships with our Friendship Audit, the free guide that goes with this month's episodes. Get it when you sign up for the Chasing Brighter newsletter.

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marriage as friendship, long-term relationship advice, keeping your marriage strong, couples connection, marriage after kids, rituals of connection, Gottman method, Gottman Card Decks, Eight Dates book, couples counseling, getting to know your partner again, curiosity in relationships, small gestures in marriage, date night alternatives, empty nest marriage, partnership vs friendship, laughing together, relationship maintenance, friendship audit, friendship tiers, women's podcast, personal growth podcast, Becoming Not Arriving, Chasing Brighter podcast, Jessica Colarco, Kelly